


Habitually Late

by modelinmate



Series: glee habits [4]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25090462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/modelinmate/pseuds/modelinmate
Summary: New York 2013They were just friends…friends who used to have sex. Rachel and Quinn navigate through their second year in college and try to figure out what it means now that they're both single.
Relationships: Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray
Series: glee habits [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1817140
Kudos: 26





	Habitually Late

Kurt's neck was sore. It was his own fault. He had decided to forgo posture in exchange for subtlety. Nonchalantly flipping through the latest issue of Vogue (that he, unfortunately, had no hand in making) was hardly something that would draw attention to himself. So he sat on Rachel's bed and stole glances between pages as she fretted about in front of her mirror. He never imagined getting ready for a non-date would require so much exertion.

Of course, that's really what it all came back to. Argue as she may, but this wasn't to be an outing between Rachel and a friend. Quinn Fabray was no longer a friend. Calling it a _'non-date'_ was generous at best, scathing at worst. Kurt, thankfully, has yet to get to the point in life that offered extramarital affairs as an option, but he still knew that it had to be impossible to have a meaningless cup of coffee with someone you used to spend the majority of your time with naked.

He wasn't in a very fair position. Breaking this news to Finn would not be easy, and he would have to be the one to do it. Rachel and Finn haven't talked since their divorce, and somehow they both gained custody over Kurt. He has become their go-between. Rachel had to know how difficult this would be for him, for both boys, but she insisted on inviting Quinn out for a weekend anyway. She had claimed that under no circumstances were they picking up where they left off, but Kurt didn't know what to believe. He still sometimes thought this whole affair was a college induced nightmare due to stressors.

Either way, it wasn't going to matter to Finn if the two girls were supposedly just working on their friendship. Despite the anger, betrayal, and the fact that he signed the divorce papers without issue, it was clear that Finn was still not over Rachel. His stepbrother was beyond stubborn when he wanted to be, and he didn't see that changing any time soon. Kurt felt horrible about it all. Especially because it was evident at times just how much Rachel was over him. She may argue that fact or maybe she was unaware of it, but it wasn't difficult for her best friend to spot. Between school and her new friends at Callbacks and now _coffee dates_ , the idea of rekindling anything with Finn was not her mind. He wasn't even sure if she missed him half the time.

He knew why Rachel took her little trip down infidelity lane. Well, he knew in the sense that she had explained her rational reasoning. He had known that her marriage to Finn wasn't working (for either of them). And he had known that she wasn't as happy in New York as she should have been. And he was later made privy to the fears she was burdened by. It obviously wasn't something he could support, but he sympathized completely and if it had been his place to forgive her, he would have without question. So it did make sense to him. Logically, it made sense. But that was about it.

Never in a thousand years would Kurt have guessed that Rachel would cheat on Finn. Not when she had made countless sacrifices and made a (foolish) marital commitment for what was meant to be their entire lives. She may have kissed Puck once when they were younger to get back at Finn for lying about Santana, but that was a far cry from this. So no, he didn't understand all of it.

In particular, he does not have _any_ idea or understanding why Quinn Fabray would engage Rachel with an affair. Not beyond her natural inclination of being a cheater, that is. He theorized over how it may have been due to standard college experimentation as well, but he had never been a fan of the concept. And certainly Yale had better options for that sort of thing than a married friend from high school. Quinn lost hold on her sanity too often for him to ever trust her or get too close to her. Kurt was probably just as nervous about this weekend as Rachel was. His reasons, however, were welcomed and respectable.

"How about this one?"

"It's fine, Rachel. So was the outfit before it and the one before that."

"I just want to get this right."

"I'm failing to see how you could get it wrong. Unless, of course, we've gone back in time and you decide to once again experiment with too much argyle. In which case I would _beg_ you to wake me up."

"I want to look nice. Today is important. Besides, Quinn always looks nice."

"Yes, her effortless beauty has always been one of Quinn Fabray's more annoying traits." Kurt walked over to straighten her skirt, ignoring the glare he received. "Tell me the plan again." Kurt knew the plan, but it was important that Rachel say it again.

"I'm going to meet her, and then we'll come back here to drop off her things. You'll be on your best behavior, and then Quinn and I will go out for coffee."

"Just coffee?"

"Yes. Just coffee."

"I'm only making sure. You seem to be putting in a lot of energy for a coffee date."

"It's not a date."

"No, why would it be."

Rachel sighed, picking up on his thinly veiled sarcasm. This was beginning to get irritating. He had been taking small shots all week. "Kurt, I've already explained to you that-"

"That you're rebuilding your friendship, I know. But exes have a way about them. It's a breeding ground for misconstrued emotions." Blaine was still under the impression that just because they were living in the same city again that they were automatically back together. His latest serenade had been between classes and was, frankly, rather intrusive. Kurt wasn't sure their apartment could handle a duel attack.

"Quinn isn't my ex." He shot her a look at that denial. "Not in the traditional sense."

"Ex-lovers _are_ a thing." It still felt weird to say, and Rachel's blush was glaring. He would prefer if it was due to shame and not anything more worrisome. Though, he's tried his best to prepare himself for that scenario as well. "I just hope you know what you're doing this time. You're single now so if something were to happen-"

"Nothing's going to. It's going to be a friendship, that's all."

" _If_ it were to," he overlooked her eye-roll, "that would be alright." _Grudgingly_. "I know you're still worried about Finn struggling, but it wouldn't be cheating this time."

Rachel did not want to be hearing any of this right now. Today was about testing friendship waters. Anything more and she would go crazy. "Kurt, I'm not in the place I was last year, okay? I'm…I don't need to find someone to self-destruct with."

"Are you certain Quinn's on the same page?"

"Definitely."

"Okay then."

Rachel turned back to her mirror, flattening out nonexistent creases in her top. "Something isn't right."

"Lose the scarf. It's a little too flight attendant." And a little too Quinn if he was being honest. _That wasn't creepy at all._

"Okay. Now?"

"Perfect," he complimented and was met with a rather glowing smile as she looked over herself once more. Admittedly, it was a nice sight to see. Rachel's (and Finn's) happiness had been absent for far too long. He just wished today wasn't a cause of it. "As much as I'd love to stay and bask in your glory, if you don't leave now, I'm afraid you're going to be late."

"Crap." She rushed out to their living room and grabbed her purse before quickly looking back. "Thanks, Kurt."

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do." He sent her a cheeky grin in return and held his tongue until he was sure she was out of the door. "Like Quinn," he muttered derisively to the empty apartment. This was going to be a long weekend for all involved.

*

Quinn had cut her hair over the summer. It wasn't as drastic as the last time she got a purposeful haircut, and not a shred of pink was in sight so hopefully this meant she wasn't looking for too big of a change in her life. That's what Rachel told herself anyhow.

She was nervous. After dropping off Quinn's things with a rather subdued Kurt, the pair did get to Rachel's newest, favorite café. She babbled on to Quinn the entire walk there and didn't stop when they stood in line or when they claimed their small table outside. She talked about school and her summer programs and some of the friends she had made. Her anxious rambling kept on going as Rachel desperately waited for Quinn to join in. Quinn _needed_ to join in. If she didn't, Rachel was going to stop believing that Quinn even wanted to come today. More than once she had entertained the idea that Quinn only accepted so she could finally break off their friendship in person. Actually, Rachel fretted that Quinn had spent her whole summer plotting that out.

In reality, Quinn had actually spent her summer trying to find some sort of self-respect. It was important to her to turn everything back around after last year. Quinn was no stranger to taking the summer to try and repair the damage left behind from the year prior. It was probably safe to say that it didn't go as perfectly as she would have liked, but she felt better for it. She didn't hate herself for what she and Rachel had done. And she didn't collapse and go off on a path of making the poorest decisions possible. She wouldn't make the same mistakes that she had in past situations. Quinn had moved on. Alright, so she was still in the process of moving on, but she felt that she would be successful in it. _Had felt._

As she feared, it exploded in her face the second she saw Rachel again at Grand Central.

All it took was one look, followed by a hug and a compliment, and Quinn was still just as heartbroken as ever despite her many attempts in getting over it. All of her progress was flushed right down the drain because she was still in love with her. And it was awful. It was much too difficult to ignore for her liking. Fabrays were supposed to be experts at that.

It had been why she was initially hesitant in accepting Rachel's invite to New York. She knew this would happen. Or that _something_ would happen. It always did between them. But it couldn't now. Three hearts were crushed in their affair and resuming anything would certainly not be helpful. Staying in New Haven and working on a long distance, and _tentative_ , friendship would have been the smarter thing to do. Except Quinn wanted to see her. Phone calls were nice, but they didn't stop her from missing Rachel.

Quinn had run all the way to Los Angeles to get away from her. It was as far as she could get without leaving the contiguous U.S. However, California didn't exactly provide an escape. Puck and Santana had pestered her about Rachel (and Finn) endlessly. Though, Puck was a tad more lewd in his inquiries; Santana a tad more insulting. Most of her time with them was spent watching some terrible telenovela they were both oddly obsessed with. Then they'd finally leave her be before Sugar and Brittany came to collect her. Sometimes Artie would come along as well.

They were all looking for jobs. Well, Sugar was looking for a place to shop. Usually, they just ended up on the beach in front of Sugar's house. It was nicer than Mercedes's apartment. This was when the summer had worked. Eventually, the other three would get off work and join them in the late afternoon. They'd talk about their lives and plans for the upcoming weeks. It was nice seeing how happy they all were together. They seemed to just fit together (perfectly which was beyond bizarre to witness firsthand) and function with ease. But they were also all dating each other and as glad as Quinn was for her friends, playing the seventh wheel made her feel pathetic. She was actually relieved when school started again.

Or she had been until this weekend.

Coffee had seemed like an agreeable place to start. It demanded nothing. The shop actually did have good coffee, and it was inexpensive. Finding a place that provided both was crucial and sadly rare so Quinn definitely took notice. It had actually been the most valuable lesson college has taught her so far. It was cozy here, and she was eventually put at ease. Her nerves left her, and Quinn was able to respond suitably to everything Rachel was talking about. She ended up being more nervous about what would happen after they returned to the loft. For now, she listened.

Most of the hour was spent catching up on changes sophomore year brought. Quinn talked about her new dorm and new classes. Rachel talked about potential NYADA auditions and how she wanted to get a job of her own to help pay the gap in the bills Finn left behind. Well, that part was implied. She didn't actually mention him by name. Not until she frowned over the fact that maybe she should have done this while they were married. He had tossed that in her face once or twice. Quinn countered by reminding her that she had needed to adjust to NYADA. The exchange was uncomfortable and sidestepped too many unspoken obstacles.

But even that didn't deter the morning. It ended up being surprisingly pleasant, and Quinn thought it proved that they could do this. They could be friends again. It was _fine_ until it came time to leave. They had finished their drinks and had small-talked around every possible thing of insignificance. Yet still Quinn dawdled. They both did until finally they had no choice. Quinn had to do this now because she sure as hell wasn't going to do it in front of Kurt. Perhaps it should have, but it hadn't required much internal debate. Buying them was an easy decision much like it had been the last time.

Quinn stopped Rachel before she got up and reached into her purse, ignoring the unasked question. She handed over the grey envelop far smoother than she thought she would.

"Don't read too much into it, okay?" she told her softly.

Rachel frowned at the small envelope with her name written evenly on top. Quinn had such nice penmanship, and she was delicate in opening it. Carelessly ripping it open would be rude.

Quinn coaxed herself to breathe as Rachel pulled out her Metro North pass. It was so stupid. She had no reason to be nervous. It didn't even _mean_ anything. They've already done this. Twice. "We had a deal, and I wasn't about to break it," she explained once Rachel finally lifted her focus back onto her.

Rachel could feel the tears springing up on her. It wouldn't take much for this to get messy.

She launched forward to hug the other girl, squeezing her eyes shut. She wasn't sure why doing so was the easier route in willing her emotions to stay at bay. "Quinn, thank you. You don't know what this means to me."

Quinn chuckled, pulling back. "What did I just say?"

"I know but just to be able to know that you still want to see me-"

"I'm here, aren't I?" Rachel nodded mutely. Quinn _did_ want to see her. It was just nice to have a physical reminder. "Look, I don't think we should probably use them as often as we did last year and definitely not for the same reason, but I still want you in my life."

"Good because I really want you in mine."

Quinn really didn't want to hear that, not when she was more than wary of Rachel's potential desire for a reserve of dependency. She cleared her throat. "We said we'd work on being friends again, and I know that sometimes that will be difficult but if we're willing, then it should all work out. We just need to respect each other's boundaries."

Rachel dropped her hands away. "Right. I guess I've already given you two presumptuous hugs today." Perhaps she should have asked beforehand or at least given a warning, but she has always been afraid to do that with Quinn in fear of rejection. That would have been crushing in high school, and she didn't even want to contemplate what it would feel like now.

"That's not-" Quinn sighed. She hardly wanted a full regression here. "Look, just do with me what you'd do with Kurt, okay? It shouldn't be too complicated." She stopped upon Rachel's laugh. "That's funny?"

"I'm sorry. Kurt just said something very similar before I left earlier." She waved off before continuing on more seriously. She didn't want Quinn to doubt her acceptance of the request. "But I understand."

"Then this will be fine."

"Although, just so you're aware, there are quite a few things I'd do with Kurt that I would never dream of doing with you," Rachel told her coyly, but she wasn't subtle enough to make it seem sincere.

"Oh really? Something you'd like to share."

" _Well_ ," she drawled, "I couldn't exactly picture us giving each other facials while watching _Scandal_."

That would be terrifying. "Okay, so obviously not _everything_." Rachel's smile matched hers.

Quinn had missed her laugh.

*

For all the obvious reasons, everyone (politely) thought it was a good idea for Quinn to sleep on the couch. Actually, Rachel tried to swap and offer the better sleeping quarters as their guest, but Quinn declined. The last thing she wanted to do was sleep in Rachel's bed where Finn had been.

It wasn't easy being in their apartment. Kurt was civil but not exactly welcoming. More like overly cautious. Quinn couldn't blame him even if absolutely nothing would be happening again.

She had only been here four times. Not much has changed. Apparently, Kurt and Rachel's presence outdueled Finn's because even though his things were gone, Quinn barely noticed anything was missing. It wasn't surprising. She doubted anyone could ever outshine Rachel Berry, but she felt bad for him. Affair aside, which she truly had no intention of thinking about in relation to him, it must have been awful for Finn not to belong in his own home and what he thought was his own future. Quinn had only ever thought about how their marriage affected Rachel. She tried not to think about Finn at all.

It was far from the truth and perhaps a little egotistical, but the last thing Quinn wanted to be was a replacement for Finn. She had already played alternative to Finn, and that had been painful enough. Being here while he wasn't felt wrong, and she was barely able to sleep at all. Not that it would have mattered even if she had been able to.

Walls were nonexistent and you pretty much heard everything going on from the living room. So she most likely would have been woken up several times throughout the night anyway. Rachel still ran a tight sleep schedule and, as always, slept entirely through the night. Kurt, however, was busy. After everyone was supposed to be a sleep, he took it upon himself to invite a friend over. Then they spent the night in his room most likely doing things Quinn would rather not think about until it was thankfully quiet again.

By morning, she gave up on the pretense of feigning sleep and "woke up" when Kurt was trying to sneak his visitor out. She recognized the other boy. It took her a moment to recall his name, but she remembered meeting Adam Crawford from NYADA here last year. After the two gave very awkward waves of _'hello again,'_ Kurt and Quinn were left alone together.

Kurt said nothing about it and only offered to make them breakfast before Rachel woke up and got it into her head that she should cook.

*

Adam Crawford ended up being the best possible thing to happen. He was the _perfect_ icebreaker. Neither Rachel nor Quinn had any connection at all to him. It was a neutral topic of discussion.

Kurt was apparently trying to keep his little dalliance to himself, and in her defense, Quinn had no possible way of knowing this. She wasn't Mercedes, but she didn't hate gossip (at least not if she wasn't the subject of it.) All she did was innocently ask Rachel how long the two men had been dating. That had opened the floodgates and out came an argument between the roommates. Rachel wanted to know how long they had been doing this right below her nose and why Kurt hid it from her. Kurt's answer was that he didn't want Blaine to find out. Rachel pointed out that he obviously had unresolved feelings for Blaine if he was keeping this from him while Kurt didn't want to discuss it at all. Not with Rachel's own romantic afterlife hanging over everyone.

It had, decidedly, ruined the day.

However, when returning to Yale, the two girls found it easy to open communication over all that had transpired and what they thought may still be going on. It was far less complicated to talk about Kurt's love life than it was their own. Doing so made talking about everything else go smoother. Rachel no longer had issues asking about how Quinn was dealing with her new roommate situation with her Yale friend. Likewise, Quinn was happy to hear about Rachel's new friends and victory in this year's Sing Off. They called each other more now and never with a sense of dread. Quinn thought that worked out fine. They could talk more and see each other less. Nothing could go wrong with that scenario.

It was already getting better.

*

Kurt had far more luck on his job hunt than Rachel did. Perhaps she was being too picky with location choices and ideal workload requirements. She was certain it had more to do with her lack of a résumé and job connections.

Kurt went in person to apply for another job at Vogue. One that would actually pay. His former boss still adored him and found him an entry level position. One with room for much growth. Opportunities like this were why people went to school, is what Kurt had said. Never mind the fact that he was going to a school of performing. NYADA didn't teach you how to work in the magazine profession. Kurt wasn't sure about NYADA anymore and worried too much over how his parents were able to afford his tuition, Finn's tuition, his rent, and their own mortgage. Burt had an increase in income when getting on Congress, but that could not account for all of this.

Rachel would be disappointed if Kurt left school, but she would try and remain supportive. Blaine had been going out of his way to be so too as he tried to compensate for last year's mistakes. Vogue _was_ a dream job, and Kurt genuinely enjoyed it. While they both would rather have him stay at NYADA with them, they weren't about to argue.

But so far, Rachel had completely failed at her own interviews and the entire job application process. It was grating. Rachel wasn't succeeding at much of anything.

Sophomore year was when the acting process really started at NYADA. The idea being that students would take all the skills and nuances they mastered last year and apply them to actual performances. This year was all about experience on the technical side of things, and everyone would be getting their chance as they took turns rifling through more prominent roles between semesters.

The first production was set to be a small one meant to get their feet wet. The class would perform together in NYADA's smaller Studio Theater in front of their fellow classmates. The production that would later be put on in Theatre Studies 4 was larger and opened to the whole school on the Mainstage. It would be the one Rachel would need to look forward to because her audition for Theatre Studies 3 was not deemed winning.

Her professor's assessment was that she wasn't right for the part of Elle Woods, but it was clearly because she was not blonde. She obviously could have nailed it. However, he did not appreciate her demand for a wig. So she had every intention of being made lead next semester. As of now she had to settle for a small side part instead. It was not ideal, but Rachel knew her time would come so for now it could still be exciting.

Her first instinct after reading her name on the casting sheet was to call Quinn immediately. But Quinn was in class and she probably shouldn't be the person Rachel wanted to run to first. That person used to be Finn. Big or small, good or bad, he had always been her first call.

She almost called him now instead of Quinn. It was foolish. Finn probably didn't even care for the specifics on what she was currently doing at NYADA. He didn't always want to hear about them last year. But she missed talking to him. Even if it was just deciphering through one of his grammatically challenged texts, she'd accept it as a form of communication. She knew they were trying to respect each other with the unspoken agreement of no direct contact between them. But she didn't want to have to go through Kurt for the rest of her life just to know if Finn was okay.

Kurt said he was fine; that Finn was still adjusting to school. That was usually all Kurt would tell her before moving on to fill her in on his parents and sometimes Sam. She was happy that the University of Lima was working out for him. It was everything she wanted for Finn when she finally ended things. Trying to find a future for himself at school was what he _should_ be doing right now. Working a dead-end job to support her dreams had hardly been the case. She just hoped he'd stop hating her for all of it one day. Maybe then they could pick up the phone.

And maybe then she wouldn't feel so bad about wanting to tell Quinn her news before anyone else.

It wasn't even about Quinn's reaction. Rachel already knew what she'd say about her supporting role. She'd congratulate her but enforce the notion that this was only step one. Kurt would say roughly the same when she told him. So would Blaine and the rest of her friends. It was typical of NYADA. Everyone there had the same goals and wanted the same pep talks.

Rachel just wanted Quinn to know what was going on in her life. She was so afraid that she'd wake up one morning only to find out that Quinn no longer cared to know. She was being so careful not to lose her completely. It felt like all Rachel had to do was say one wrong thing or let one hug go on for too long and Quinn would be gone.

Rachel couldn't handle that, and she tried really hard not to think about what that meant.

*

Sometimes it was simple. The two of them together.

The nerves were still present before and during Quinn's second visit to New York, but they laid dormant in the background. They knew what to expect this time and how to handle it. They had plenty of discussions to pick up where they last left off. And perhaps they also had news to share. Quinn just wasn't sure how to take it.

"Finn? _Hudson?_ "

Rachel swatted the girl walking beside her. "Yes. It's not funny."

"No, of course not," Quinn agreed before laughing again. She looked so radiant in the morning sun that Rachel couldn't even get all that mad. " _Women's Studies?_ "

"Quinn," she scolded.

Admittedly, finding out that Finn had signed up late to take Women's Studies as an alternative class had been a surprise. In all the time she knew him, he never indicated that he was interested in the social and political side of society. The most he had ever expressed was in the fight for popularity. But apparently, Tina had talked him into it rather willingly. Regardless, Rachel was proud of him.

"I'm sure he'll pass with flying colors."

Rachel shook her head, flummoxed. It wasn't _meant_ to be a joke. "Next time, I'm going to leave you on the train."

She laughed once more before sobering. "Sorry. I know you're happy that he seems to be doing well."

"I am." Rachel wasn't sure how well that was, though. She still only knew what Finn has been up to through Kurt. Calling him would still be inappropriate and could send him the wrong message. Finn needed to work on his own life separate from her, and Rachel was left to do nothing but hope that things worked out. But she should not be talking about this with Quinn any more than she already has. "So. I was wondering if you'd be willing to help me with something?"

"Uh, I recognize that voice, and I'm afraid I'll have to decline."

"What voice?"

Quinn chuckled to herself, ignoring the eyes studying her answer. "That's Rachel Berry's scheming voice. The one you try to make sound like your being-helpful voice, but you just kind of fail at it."

Rachel smiled at the observation. _Still_. She would not accept that particular criticism. "Do not doubt my acting abilities, Quinn Fabray."

"Is that what this is?"

"Acting can be an… _artful_ form of manipulation as I'm sure you know. Besides, I wasn't scheming. I actually _am_ trying to be helpful."

"Fine. I'm listening, but no promises."

Rachel grinned in triumph. "I want to get Kurt and Blaine back together."

" _Annnd_ I'm done."

"You haven't even heard my plan. It's infallible."

"Rachel, I'm not going to get involved with Kurt's relationships. Let them figure it out on their own."

"Well obviously they're not going to at this rate. I understand a period of adjustment, but they're together now. In the same city. At the same school. It should have already happened."

"Then maybe they don't want it to."

"Blaine does. He's told me so. He's never gotten over Kurt." Rachel and Blaine made it a point to get coffee together every Wednesday afternoon after their classes finished. Her heart had simply broken for him when he confessed that he was still hopelessly in love with his ex. Neither could understand why Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" didn't succeed in wooing Kurt.

"Didn't they break up because Blaine couldn't handle Kurt focusing on his _job?_ That's not exactly good boyfriend material. He should have supported him."

"Distance makes things difficult, and he already apologized for that."

Quinn thought Blaine should have been more respectful and perhaps a little less self-centered, but she really wasn't that close to either boy. It was not her place. Of course, that didn't make it Rachel's place either. "Then stay out of it."

"But they're my friends."

"Exactly. You want them to be a couple again because it's better for you."

"That is not what this is. I want them both to be happy."

"Kurt seemed pretty happy the last time I was here. I thought you liked Adam."

"I do. He's fine. He doesn't seem very dramatic thus not very romantic, but I like him well enough. I just like Blaine more."

Quinn bumped shoulders upon Rachel's pout. It was deadly. She was about two seconds away from agreeing to this insanity. "I'm sure it will work out."

"Not if something doesn't push it along."

"You can't rush these things. Or force them. I know you know that."

"But they're missing out. If they do get back together, they'll have so much time lost between them."

"Time lost isn't time unspent," she argued. Rachel rushing things was hardly a foreign concept. "Blaine's adjusting to college. He's going to want to have fun and meet new people. And Kurt should be able to enjoy New York and date whomever he wants without worrying about his ex."

Rachel tried not to take any of this to heart. Kurt and Blaine were two entirely different people with an entirely different relationship and history. What Quinn was saying didn't apply _here_. "Why are you so rational? This is probably why _you_ like Adam. Two non-dramatic blondes offering no midnight serenades or heartbreaking ballads."

Quinn pursed her lips to keep from laughing at her. She couldn't even handle a ballad vocally. "I think I've had more than enough drama for one lifetime."

Rachel's mood deflated with that. "Quinn, I didn't-"

"It's fine." She shot her a smile, trying to get some of it back. "Just leave me out of this Berry branded ruse."

Rachel rolled her eyes, fully intent on getting Quinn to be her cohort eventually. She reached over to link her hand through the crook of the taller girl's elbow because friends did that. She did it all the time with Kurt and Blaine. She did it with Sam once. She's even done it with Noah when they were decidedly off. So really, this should be no different than that. She couldn't tell if Quinn was okay with it, but she hadn't detached herself at all and merely continued their conversation all the way back to the loft. After a block, it was so easy that Rachel stopped thinking about it.

Sometimes it was simply complicated.

*

It was easier getting some sleep on the couch this time, but it ended in a similar fashion.

The next morning, Quinn woke up to find a guy in the kitchen that was most certainly not Adam. He was shorter, wore glasses, and had darker features. Apparently, Kurt's latest "friend" was an actual friend of Rachel's who also attended NYADA. Apparently, _everyone_ got into NYADA. Rachel hadn't been too thrilled with his appearance, but the guy was on his way out just as Rachel was waking up so she didn't have a chance to fuss over this while he was still there. He seemed to want to get out of there so quickly just to avoid the possible outburst. Quinn didn't even have time to catch his name.

She did, however, catch Rachel mumbling about a new plan.

*

Quinn was drunk.

Her roommate and some of their friends dragged her to a party. Some guys from one of the fraternities were throwing it at their house. But it had been labeled _'not a frat party.'_ It was supposedly a birthday party for someone on a team or something. She hadn't been listening. The beer was cold, and that was more important.

She doesn't even know where her roommate, Natalie Grant, ran off to. They were actually friends as opposed to the girl she was stuck rooming with last year, but Quinn had apparently been ditched. She couldn't entirely blame them. She wasn't in the best of moods lately.

Classes were harder this year, and she hasn't even looked into the prerequisites for the School of Drama. She wasn't even sure anymore if she still wanted to go into a master's program once she got her degree. A job at a campus library hardly paid well, and four added years of Yale's tuition sent her head spinning. Acting wasn't even a practical career. And if she had any success in it at all nor would it be a private one; something she failed to think about when the idea initially came to her during senior year.

Then, of course, there was still Rachel who was never good for her mood or those around her. If it had worked at all over the summer, Quinn would try cutting ties completely. But that had been worse than whatever it was that was going on between them now. Quinn just didn't know how to get over her if Rachel was still there. But she wished she would already. Tonight would have been a great time to.

There was a guy that filtered in and out throughout the night that had made his interest clear, but he was respectful enough to also leave her be. So help her, but his continued _'hello again'_ s were actually becoming cute. He was clean cut and kept his hands to himself. He hadn't even offered her a drink. This was exactly how Quinn should be spending this part of college. It was easy and required no heartbreak. Then again he wasn't the only one that aimed to flirt with her tonight. There was also a girl who kept coming back. She said no _'hello'_ s and had brought Quinn more than one drink.

That was new. Quinn wasn't even sure if she'd be interested in something like that. She might be attracted to women or it might just be Rachel Goddamn Berry. She hasn't even thought about it. Sexuality wasn't exactly something you had time to contemplate or panic over when you were in the middle of having an affair with someone else's wife.

She locked herself in an upstairs bathroom sometime past 11:00. It would still be early out in LA.

Quinn decided to just blurt it all out the second Santana answered her phone. "How do you know if you're gay?"

Santana waited a beat before responding. The question probably wasn't the best way to just start a conversation with no lead in. It hadn't even been what she wanted to ask.

"Well having sex with a woman for several months is usually the first sign."

"I was afraid you'd say that."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you're gay, Quinn. You could just be bilateral or really flexible like some of the guys at the dance studio."

Okay, that was so not Santana. Quinn wondered how drunk she actually was because that sounded like Brittany. This was not what she had in mind when dialing. "Santana, am I on speaker?"

"Obviously. Relax. I would have told them anyway. This just saves me the time."

"Wait. Them? Who else is there?"

"Puckerman and his latest conquest. Ow! Fuck! Cut your nails."

"Santana!" Quinn snapped.

"Ignore Satan." It was Mercedes. She sounded like she was getting closer to the phone. Quinn could hear Santana trying to grab it back. _Why_ did she call her again? "We can help."

"Yeah, babe, just spell it out," Puck made himself known. _Great_.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "I'd rather just talk to Santana." _What a low point in life._

Mercedes snorted. "And learn how to have sex with your girlfriend in very _public_ _places_ where only roommates can see? Because that's about all you'll get from her."

" _Maybe_ if you would fix your locks this wouldn't be a problem," Santana immediately countered.

"Why would I fix the locks on _your_ door?"

"I don't know. Why wouldn't you just knock on my door?"

"Quinn, are you still there?" It was Brittany again.

"Unfortunately." This was moving into sobering territory.

"Are you having sex with Rachel again? Is that why you called?"

"Rachel and I are not having sex."

"Okay good because you should totally dump her."

"Brittany, we're not together."

"Oh. But still. You should dump her. I mean, I love her and everything because she's a part of glee, but Rachel's still pretty annoying."

That hadn't been true for a long time, if it ever was. Frustrating maybe but not annoying. "She's not-"

"And she still uses too many words to say something super simple."

That wasn't true either. Rachel hadn't been using her words for anything of importance. "Not lately."

"Whatever," Santana cut in. "She's still totally self-centered. Even you can't deny that one." Quinn probably could. "She basically dragged you around all year for her own selfish purposes while still lying motionless under Finn's enormous sack of weight every night."

"It wasn't like that. I knew what I was doing." She wasn't even sure why she tried to argue with such a thin lie.

"Quinn, girl, Rachel's a friend and everything, but she's also a whole lot of complicated. Do you really want to get yourself involved in that again?" Mercedes asked her.

"Exactly. The last thing you need is another breach in sanity," Santana agreed. It was amazing, really, how quickly the pair's interactions with each other shifted in mood.

"Look, don't listen to that. You should just go for it," Puck advised. "You like her, right? Like, you pretty much moped over her all summer and were a total drag to be around so obviously you like her. You could do a lot worse."

She could hear the smirk in Santana's voice. "Can and has as evidenced."

"Hey!"

"But you can still do better, Q."

"Rachel's really only a great singer, and that's not that important. There's probably loads of people better at your smart person college," Brittany told her and continued on softly, "it could be a guy or another girl if you want. New Directions would still love you."

"Yeah, and it could also be _Rachel_ ," Puck jumped back in. "You kinda fucked Finn over, and as his bro it's my duty to remind you of that-"

"Here we go," Mercedes sighed.

"-but they're over. She's a free woman. Primed and ready for the taking."

Quinn frowned. "That's…gross."

He grunted. "You know what I mean."

"Rachel _just_ got divorced. She'd not ready for anything." Actually, Quinn wasn't ready for anything, but blaming it solely on Rachel was easier to say. She'll regret it in the morning along with her hangover.

She'll regret a lot of things in the morning.

"She got divorced months ago. And she already knows where your loins are. So it's actually been over _way_ longer," Puck argued further. "Now find some cojones and ask her out. Or you can just sit around and wait until some loser at NYADA does it for you."

"That's terrible advice," Mercedes could be heard briefly in the background until it was cut off.

There was silence until it was only Santana again while whatever argument was going on around her was muffled. "Q, as your co-bitch, I'd like to remind you of what happened the last time you listened to Puck."

Santana made a good point. "I'm hanging up now." There was a pounding on the door anyway. She, apparently, wasn't allowed to be in here. _Whatever_.

Puck was right. Quinn wasn't sure how out of the four it was _him_ who was right, but he was. She could do worse than Rachel Berry. Because _everyone_ was worse than Rachel Berry. She had no candles being held to her, and it was _awful_. Rachel was lethal. Quinn didn't even survive her the last time, and at least then she was able to save face and pretend it hadn't been a real relationship. They were just having an affair, and that was fine. She didn't need to fully commit to that. Rachel was the one to come to her.

But to have her for real and have it still not work between them. If they did this and Rachel still didn't return her feelings. If she decided that Quinn was only comfortable and familiar and eventually found her way back to Finn after college or some other boy at NYADA better suited for her. Worse, if Rachel realized that she only enjoyed her for sex.

…Quinn doubted she'd come back from any of that. She could come back from wheelchairs and stretch marks and homelessness and unfortunate tattoos, but not that.

It wasn't difficult to allow easy-guy to drive her back to her dorm. They exchanged numbers and decided to do it again.

*

"What are you reading?"

Out of all the questions currently on her mind, this was the easiest one to ask. Rachel was lying on her couch with Quinn and played with one of the buttons on the other girl's dress. It was fine. Rachel has done this with Kurt. Well, she sometimes cuddled on the couch with Kurt if one of them had a bad day. She didn't twist his buttons. The buttons on his shirts were smaller and actually served a purpose. Quinn's were just fashionable. Kurt would probably fret over her tearing one of them off. Quinn didn't seem to mind or even to notice.

Rachel was meant to be watching TV. In a subtle attempt to extend the day, she had offered to stay in the living room while Quinn caught up on some reading. This visit was probably cutting into her homework time, or so Rachel would assume. Yale demanded a lot of Quinn's time.

" _The Deadly Sisterhood_."

Rachel thought that sounded interesting already. It sounded like all of those unoriginal young adult novels she used to read in her early adolescent years about magical teenagers tucked away in a boarding school. _Fine_. She also read them in her later years despite being ahead of the recommended reading level. Okay, so she still read them now...sometimes, but the romances really were a highlight. It was cute that Quinn apparently thought so too.

She sat up, a bit giddy, and tried to sneak a peek. "What's it about?"

"Women during the Italian Renaissance."

Rachel giggled softly and tucked her head against Quinn's shoulder. "You belong at Yale."

Quinn took her eyes off her reading material to glance down at the other girl. "Is this your way of calling me a nerd?"

"Well you do have glasses hidden away."

Her eyebrows knitted together in bemused defense. "It was recommended as further reading by one of my professors. It's not actually homework."

"I'm not sure how that's better."

Quinn decided it'd be best to skip the argument and took a moment to observe Rachel and her hidden yawns. It had been happening for the better part of an hour. "I'm keeping you up. You should go to sleep, Rachel. It's fine."

"I'd rather be out here."

"You're going to fall asleep."

"So I'll fall asleep."

Quinn shut off her Kindle. "Then how about we both just go to sleep?"

She doubted Quinn would go to sleep. She would probably just keep reading. It was enough to push Rachel into taking the leap. "Come with me," she talked past the alarmed look on Quinn's face, "it wouldn't have to mean anything. Kurt and I have shared beds plenty. During sleepovers in high school o-or after watching too many horror films. Friends do that. And really, Quinn, this couch is not comfortable. Nor is it supportive for someone who suffered a severe back injury not two years ago."

"I slept on a couch all summer."

"All the more reason."

"Rachel."

"Look, I don't want you to think I'm pressuring you. I was only offering. I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable."

Quinn sighed. "I wouldn't be. That's the problem."

"Then come with me." She stood up and held out her hand.

This was a mistake. Quinn knew that before they even washed up and changed into their pajamas.

They didn't need to fight over sides of the bed or ask for extra blankets. They already knew each other's sleeping habits. There was no room left for secrets here.

They already wished each other goodnight once, but neither fell asleep. This wasn't what Rachel had in mind. Not that she had anything specifically in mind when inviting Quinn to bed. She had just been so content with her on the couch that she wanted that feeling extended. It had been well-intentioned. _Truly_. Lying next to Quinn wasn't ever supposed to be stifling.

This shouldn't be happening. It wasn't a big deal. Plenty of people shared beds platonically. Millions even. _Just maybe not with someone you used to have thought-consuming sex with_. Rachel tried to avoid thinking it, but it was the real problem here. They weren't just friends, regardless of how much they both wanted it to be true. They _were_ friends, only with a history far more complex than that would normally dictate.

Rachel knew Quinn inside and out. She had to. Sex with another woman was much more tactile than it was with a man. Quinn had…She hadn't been a girlfriend. As Kurt said, she had been a lover.

The thought caused Rachel to flush. It was such a small word with such an easy meaning. But she wasn't sure really if she'd call what they had done making love. It wasn't like all those times with Finn. Rachel had been nervous with him at first, of course, but eventually those nerves and fears fully moved on to being butterflies. They loved each other, and experiencing their relationship on a more intimate level cemented that and enhanced it. They'd cuddle and talk afterward, maybe even sing quietly if the occasion called for it. Rachel had felt so secure with him after those initial times when neither had been experienced enough to know what they were doing.

It was nothing like that with Quinn. There were nerves and fears, but they mingled with guilt and it was hard to entirely decipher. They never became butterflies. They were incendiaries. With Quinn it hadn't been about cuddling or sweet nothings, and they usually dressed right after. It was passion and desire and the uncertainty of how long it could keep going on. It was an escape, only in more ways than one.

It was possibly the very worst time to be thinking about this. _She's right there._ Quinn was right there and awake. Rachel _knew_ she was still awake.

If offering to share a bed was a mistake, then turning over on her side to face the other girl was catastrophically stupid. Rachel wasn't even sure what propelled her into doing so. Maybe she had hoped it would spark an honest and open conversation over everything on her mind. Maybe that's just what she told herself. Because they didn't talk. Rachel just stared until it began having an effect. She could dimly make that out with the distant light they left on for Kurt in the living room. She took in the question written on Quinn's face as the blonde rolled over to address her.

Always one for popularity, but Quinn had never enjoyed this type of focus. Rachel was unwavering. _And too close_. Rachel's hand was barely inches from hers before fingers were reaching out. They stroked hers reverently, and it was the last thing Quinn wanted. It was everything Quinn wanted.

Her eyes clenched shut and her brow contorted painfully, and Rachel finally, thankfully, stopped. But then she was reaching up to smooth away the frown instead. Delicate fingertips worked away the tension, and Rachel could hear Quinn's breathing even back out. She took slow breaths, calming ones.

Except the inhales were sharper than Quinn wanted them to be. She held them too long, and Rachel knew her body. Rachel remembered the look in Quinn's eyes when she typically sounded like that. She may have tried to appear unaffected, but her eyes betrayed her. Always have. Quinn had looked at Rachel like she was to be studied, and the flash of that memory gave Rachel the courage ( _recklessly foolish courage at the moment_ ) to continue further.

Quinn's cheek and neck and hair (though shorter) was just the same as she remembered. As were her hands. Rachel hadn't even realized one was nearing her waist. Quinn always had been talented when it came to that.

She pushed under Rachel's sleep shirt, and her touch was scarcely felt. Quinn thought, vividly, that she should not be doing this. She knew that it was only going to make everything worse from here on out. She did…She had no idea how Rachel's skin was always so warm.

As Quinn's hand trailed higher, Rachel hummed; just able to suppress the full blown moan. It was enough to get Quinn to stop anyway. She removed her hand completely and turned to lie on her back again. Rachel sighed before mirroring her position. This was going to be a restless night.

"Goodnight, Quinn."

"Night."

Quinn only hoped they could fail to acknowledge this tomorrow. They were good at that, after all.

*

Quinn woke up later than she normally did when she stayed over. Rachel, unsurprisingly, had not been wrong. Her bed was much more comfortable than the couch. Or it was comfortable before she woke up to find Rachel sleeping soundly beside her. She was still far too close, _always too close_ , and they had been in this position together too many times for her to ever forget. As wrong as it was to want to stay put, she really couldn't help it.

That thought had gotten her out of bed quickly, and she was gentle in waking the other girl because Quinn felt that would be better than Rachel waking up alone.

Adam was in the kitchen again this morning. She had no idea when he and Kurt got in or that they had even been seeing each other again. Rachel was just as surprised by his presence, and tried to prompt a ballad over breakfast. It did not go how she wanted which she only felt further proved her point of being on Team Blaine.

*

Like any future star, Rachel had spent her childhood rehearsing acceptance speeches for all the awards that she knew she would one day win. In order to remain realistic, she would also practice her supportive loser face in the mirror as she knew that the cameras would always be on her. Every star needed to subscribe to the notion that it was an honor just to be nominated. It would look tacky if she didn't applaud whomever the voters deemed more deserving than her.

Authenticating that smile had come in handy over the years. It was working wonderfully upon hearing the latest news out of Lima. According to Kurt's last conversation with him, Finn was apparently interested in someone new.

She, of course, knew that Finn would date again. He was young and handsome and had plenty to offer someone. She hardly wanted him to spend his life pining away after their relationship. It was silly, particularly as New Directions' track record went, but she just didn't think his next relationship would be with someone from glee. She assumed he'd meet a nice, standard rebound at school. Probably someone wholesome like he always wanted. And she'd be far more boring than Rachel ever was.

She didn't expect Tina. Rachel _liked_ Tina. She didn't like how literal the girl was taking her former quest to be _'The New Rachel,'_ but she was a friend. Tina was everyone's friend. No one in glee had a reason to dislike her. She never clashed with anyone for longer than a moment. Rachel really had no reason to find something here to oppose.

Kurt was waiting on her for a response. It wouldn't be difficult to give one. She only needed to tell the truth. He actually looked more uncomfortable than she was. Maybe he felt guilty for breaking the news. She should probably assure him that he shouldn't, but Rachel probably shouldn't still be asking him about Finn either.

"Are you okay?"

No, Rachel was not okay. There was an unhealthy amount of friction between her teeth, and her jaw felt strained. "When I had advised her on succeeding me as glee's potential female lead, this wasn't what I had in mind."

Kurt sighed tiredly. "Rachel, you can't be upset about this."

"I'm not upset. It's just unexpected. I assumed when Finn started dating again, it wouldn't be with a mutual friend. I'm glad that it's Tina, though. She's currently single so there won't be any unnecessary obstacles, a-and she was a great girlfriend to Mike. She'll treat Finn right, and I'm sure he'll do the same in return. And, fine, she may have technically cheated on Artie once, but we can hardly hold such juvenile mistakes against someone. I'm happy for them." She finally smiled. Though, it was more for pride at her perfect delivery than what she had actually just said.

Kurt didn't buy any of it. "Practice that."

She huffed, and Kurt watched her shoulders drop along with the below par showface. "I'm sorry, but it's not that simple. I fell in love with Finn when I was fifteen. He's not just a former flame, he's a former _husband_. I thought I was going to spend my life with him. Excuse me if Finn suddenly dating Tina Cohen-Chang only a few months after our divorce is difficult to immediately digest." She _would_ digest it, but later. When she was alone with time to process the couple's possible future together and just what exactly that would do for eventual glee reunions.

"But it is that simple to sleep with Finn's ex-girlfriend?" Kurt almost felt bad watching her stand there and quail. However, his point was more than justified. "It's like you two just keep sending these tiny vibrations throughout each other's lives. I'll tell you what I told him. Don't keep putting your life on hold just because you feel bad about how your marriage ended."

"But I actually should feel bad."

"The end result would have been the same. Quinn affair or no Quinn affair," he reasoned objectively. "Let Finn move on, Rachel. It will only help you do the same. Completely." He tacked on for good measure.

"If Blaine began dating Sam, would you react any differently?" she argued, taking a seat on their couch.

"That's different."

"It's similar."

Kurt decided it would be easier to just pay along than protest and sat down on the coffee table opposite her. "No, I wouldn't be happy if Blaine began dating the boy who has somehow become a surrogate brother. But if it did happen, I would respect them and move on and date other men as well. Just like you can date the dimple-guy from your vocals class."

"I don't want to date the dimple-guy."

"It's a travesty that he's straight." Rachel laughed with him for a moment. "But you understand my point. If not dimple-guy, then some other NYADA enthusiast or perhaps a guest at Callbacks." Kurt hesitated before deciding to take the plunge at their friendly, purple elephant. "Or maybe even a certain blonde who you share enough baggage with to fill up JFK."

He patiently watched her fold her hands primly in her lap. "Kurt, Quinn and I are just friends."

"So you keep saying."

"Well I wouldn't need to if you would just believe me when I told you that very truthful fact."

"It's a little hard to believe when you're doing the same thing with her that you did with Finn last year. You can't just pretend things are easier than they are."

"I am _not_ playing pretend. I've learned that lesson. We _are_ friends. Why does everyone always argue that?" Even if they had never moved beyond a friendship, Rachel had no idea why everyone always had trouble believing that they could, in fact, be friends. Hell, at one point _Quinn_ used to struggle with that.

Kurt recognized that her question was meant to be rhetorical, but this was plainly something Rachel needed to hear. "Quinn tormented you for years. You chased after her boyfriend for years. You were finally stable, and then she played the role of literal road block to your wedding." He ignored the flash of pain written clearly over her face. "Which I suppose was only a prelude to the metaphorical one she'd play to your _marriage_. And let's not deny that you were running off to Yale long before you started sleeping with her. Or how you would wait and jump at her ringtone and spend a half an hour penning your emails to her. That's not a friendship." He leaned back on his palms. "That's a tangled web that I can't even begin to unweave."

Rachel looked away from him. She knew it wasn't meant to be insulting, and while all of that was true, Kurt didn't know the first things about them. All he knew was what everyone from glee knew. But he was obviously aware of this as well.

"We've talked about the affair and why you felt the need to have one. I know the soiled overview, but we've never talked about your relationship with Quinn."

She was quiet in her response. "We're friends."

"No, _we're_ friends. Because we haven't had sex for five months straight," he stuck with his objectivity. "Why did you do this with Quinn? Surely, it would have been less complicated with someone else. Do you love her?" That immediately got Rachel's full attention. Though, the reaction was less than positive. He could pinpoint the moment when her refusal to engage with him clouded over.

"It doesn't matter. Quinn, she–When we put an end to it she asked me to just be friends. And I can't hurt Finn any more than I already have. And it would. You know it would."

Kurt sat up and reached across to firmly take a hold of her hands with his. "Rachel, this conversation stays between us. Tell me about it."

It wasn't difficult to pick a place to begin. She swallowed before finding the right words.

"Last summer, Santana told me that Quinn was in love with me. I didn't believe her. It sounded impossible. Why would Quinn Fabray ever fall in love with me?" It was quiet and tearful and quite pitiful if he was being asked, but it instantly gained his sympathy. Once upon a time, in a world much unlike reality, he probably would have had a very similar reaction to Finn Hudson's love. "So I ignored it because I knew it would complicate things. It's _Quinn_." He wasn't sure what that meant as an adjective. "Besides, you know, I didn't _want_ it to be true. I had Finn. I had him forever, and it was going to be perfect. But then the worse it got, I let it complicate everything. And I–I thought it was so obvious that she loved me. But she never said it, so maybe not. Maybe I just wanted her to that much." Her laugh was disparaging, and Kurt suddenly felt the brunt of it.

"Oh, sweetheart." He joined her on the couch and drew her into his side. It never occurred to him that Rachel might have been just as broken hearted over _Quinn_. The next person she dates better not have yet another rhyming name. "So does this mean…"

Rachel didn't know how to answer the question. Not honestly. Not completely. Not anything. "I thought I was just falling out of love with Finn. I'm not sure if I fell in love with her. It's easier to look back now that I'm not in the middle of it."

"Do you want to be with her?"

"I _can't._ " She frantically pulled away and paced from the couch. "Quinn asked to be friends. A-and Finn. And I'm not ready."

Kurt got up to clutch at her hands again, calming her back down. "Okay, but in three months from now, if Quinn wants a relationship and Finn has moved on and you do find yourself being a little more ready, would you want to be with her?"

"Yes, okay?" She slipped away from him again. "Is that what you want to hear, Kurt? I want to see what we'd be like together. And not like last year but as an actual couple. I think we could work. The best relationships are the ones where you grow with someone, right?" If she was making a statement, she sounded small to his ears.

"Feel better?"

"No," she pouted.

"Telling Quinn would."

"No. No, absolutely not. Quinn asked me not to. I won't hurt her again. All I did was hurt her."

"Breathe," Kurt stopped her oncoming hysteria. "Rachel, you can respect Quinn all she wants, but this has got to stop. You can't keep beating yourself up. You didn't do this alone."

*

Kurt flew home with Blaine for Thanksgiving. Her fathers had tried to talk her into it, but Rachel declined in coming back home yet. Thanksgiving was a short break. It had been a hassle last year the make the two flights within only a couple of days. Truthfully, she just wasn't ready to see Finn. And this way Kurt could test the waters in person.

She had convinced Quinn to spend the break with her instead. It probably wasn't the best idea for them to have the loft to themselves for four days, but screw it. Quinn didn't want to go to Lima yet either after the last time she was there. Why let the week go to waste?

They didn't actually celebrate the holiday. They relaxed and talked over Rachel and Kurt's wine stash while watching feel-good movies. Friday they left the apartment again and tried to grab lunch, but it was too crowded due to insane holiday shoppers so they finished the day much as they had the previous one. It wasn't important. _Saturday_ was important. As Rachel had scheduled with all involved, they would be going to dinner with some friends left at NYADA at Callbacks.

She had wanted Quinn to meet her friends for a while but didn't want to give up any of her usually short time with the girl. Rachel never had been one for sharing. Tonight, Quinn was playing her part graciously. She had listened intently when Rachel filled her in on the group completely. Piecing together what she already knew about Rachel's school friends, Quinn had a good idea of what to expect.

Kristine Nichols was at one point briefly written off as competition before she had bailed Rachel out of having to sing with some creeper from the dorms. Micah Summers specialized in being a leading man who could cry on cue or something. Quinn didn't particularly want to hear about Rachel's latest talented co-lead. Especially ones that ended up having a nice smile to match nice arms. The last friend was Daniel Colberg, supposed soon-to-be stage director and/or playwright depending on what avenue he pursued. It turned out that Quinn already knew him. He was Kurt's non-Adam hookup and was in the middle of finishing up a weirdly boring story about the time he almost slept with his straight TA.

Kris was the one who frowned for them. "I'm lost as to how that was a good story."

Daniel just ignored the jibe and reached over to steal the girl's drink.

Micah shook his head at the exchange and gazed back at Quinn as he had been doing most of the night. "I'm sorry Rachel's friends are so embarrassing."

Quinn politely indulged him yet again. It didn't matter, not really, but she wanted to impress Rachel's friends. Micah would be the easiest target to win over. And at least he wasn't interested in Rachel. "Compared to some of her others, hardly."

Rachel grinned beside her. "As if you don't share the same friends." Quinn's smile moved over to her, and Rachel was more than pleased with regaining sole possession of her attention. Especially because it noticeably softened around the edges.

"Just a few."

"That's right," Daniel interrupted. "Didn't you date a bunch of the same people? Kurt tried to explain something he called _'the glee web,'_ but I was more confused by the fact that glee clubs apparently still exist. I thought they went out in the '50s."

Quinn had decided earlier that she didn't particularly like the boy. This only cemented that claim and made her question Kurt's lack of taste further. "Well there were enough of them for us to win a National Championship against."

"Besides, NYADA has one. You know the Adam's Apples," Rachel reminded them all. She spotted the signs of Daniel's jealously. Kurt would be pleased to find out all about it. Maybe she could even reenact it.

Daniel folded his arms across his chest. "No, can't say that I do."

Kris snorted. "Sorry not everyone can appreciate you're a capella bullshit."

"Hold up-"

"So Yale," Micah changed the subject. Really, his friends were just _so_ embarrassing. Worst wingmen ever. "Meryl went there. That must be terrifying in an exhilarating sort of way."

"Quinn has nothing to be afraid of. She's very talented," Rachel told him proudly, watching Quinn blush.

She shook her head. "Rachel exaggerates. I've barely cut into the classes for my major." Or any major.

"And Quinn still doesn't have enough faith in herself." Rachel still didn't understand how Quinn could continue to doubt herself. If Rachel had looked like that or had a few of her capabilities, well, at the very least her high school insecurities would have been easier to overcome. She never would have strived for attention.

Micah interrupted the exchange. "It must be challenging to go to a non-performing school. I thought about it. But I'm sure Rachel is right. You're probably really popular on campus. A beauty like yours would not go unnoticed."

"Obviously," Rachel muttered, going ignored by her friend, but Kris managed to hear her and snickered. Well, at least she had some type of audience.

"I bet my flirting is stepping on a boyfriend's toes."

"No," Rachel quickly addressed him again. She's warmed to Micah, she has (even if Brody Weston was the one to introduce them), but if he was stepping on anyone's toes, hers were the only ones in play. Or so she had assumed.

Quinn's lack of protest made her pause. It was enough of an answer for the table.

"Well there goes my shot. Feel free to fill us in," Micah asked Quinn conversationally now. Quinn wasn't sure if it was an act or if he really was just that well-mannered. _NYADA_. So probably an act.

"A lady never tells." Quinn turned to her left and her only concern of the moment. Rachel appeared far from receptive. "We should talk."

They excused themselves to the restroom, sidestepping casual dancers and waited in a small line. Rachel barely held it together. She didn't even bother waiting for the two women ahead of them to clear out. "You're dating someone?"

"I was going to tell you. Tonight, actually." Or tomorrow if she couldn't find the nerve again. She had resolved herself that eventually telling Rachel was a must. It would be cowardly not to any longer, and the break was a more suitable opportunity than a phone call. "Obviously, I didn't want to do it like this."

Rachel, for her part, was stuck on repeat. "You're dating someone?"

"It's not serious. He's a senior. Pre-law. He's actually pretty nice. You'd like him. I think I mentioned him before. You know that guy I met at that fake frat party a while ago."

"You didn't." She hadn't. "And I doubt that. Most lawyers aren't known for being _nice_."

"Well he hasn't technically gone to law school yet so maybe that's when they lose their souls," she joked. Rachel was not laughing. "Are you upset?"

Was she _upset?_ Did Quinn _want_ her to be? "Why would I be upset?" Her smile felt painful as it cut into her cheeks. "Of course you're seeing someone again. You've always found a way to catch someone's interest, deservedly so. This–this works out wonderfully. You should always chase happiness, Quinn."

"That's not what I'm doing," she denied quietly. Quinn was under no notion that this was a potential love story which is precisely what she did not want. She wasn't chasing anything. It was supposed to be fun. Quinn _never_ had fun. "It really doesn't mean anything. But I _actually_ haven't dated someone in a while. Not since… _Finn_." She grimaced for a moment. "I mean, that's what college is for, right?"

Rachel lifted her chin, not liking this one bit. "I suppose to some." She would argue that is was designed for educational purposes, but who was she to say?

"It's meaningless, Rachel. I just…I wanted to try something that wasn't, I don't know, weighted I guess."

"No, I get it." And she did in a way. Rachel knew what it felt like to get that first taste of New York freedom after her marriage ended. There was something to be said for the lighter, less complicated side of things. It played one of the smaller parts in why she initially didn't want to pursue this. She ducked her head. "I hope Mr. Pre-law realizes how lucky he is. And if he doesn't, I hope he realizes he'll have to deal with a future A-lister."

Quinn's smile seemed far more genuine than hers was. She wondered if that meant Quinn was the better actress.

Before the night began, Rachel had imagined it ending with her asking (okay, begging tastefully) for Quinn's opinion on her friends while Quinn played coy before simply gushing over how much she adored them and how happy she was for Rachel. Instead, they took a relatively silent cab ride home and retired early without much conversation at all.

Rachel thought about sneaking off to Kurt's room once Quinn's breathing evened out. She wasn't able to sleep at all. The only thing she could do was keep thinking about dinner. Micah's existence had continued to be a nuisance as he pried information out of Quinn. She tried to keep her answers brief, but Rachel still knew more than enough about Quinn's newest suitor. She wished she knew nothing. All of it sounded terribly annoying to her, and it was basically everything she hadn't liked about Yale back when she researched it their senior year. ( _What kind of name was Sean Van Ryn anyway?_ He probably played water polo.)

It was unfathomably selfish of her, on more than one level, but the last thing Rachel needed was both Finn and Quinn moving on. Maybe she deserved it, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. Finn should be doing what makes him happy. He should be dating nice girls like Tina. The two should both be enjoying the University of Lima with each other. Rachel was enjoying NYADA far more now than she did back when they were married. This is exactly how it should be. And probably should have been last year.

_But Quinn…_

This _wasn't_ one-sided. Quinn would still look at her sometimes like she was the only person in the room. And she would still say things that meant too much to be coming from a friend. Quinn had feelings for her, regardless of how deep they went. That was a detail that could be sorted later. So Rachel really had no idea where a water polo playing litigator fit into that. She knew that starting a relationship with Quinn would not be easy. Despite all the progress made over the last couple of months, certain wounds were still too fresh. They bought their passes and made their visits, but they didn't see each other as often as one should see a partner. Distance was never good for a romance.

There were reasons upon reasons why this was difficult and would continue to be so. But Rachel wanted it. She didn't want it to be too late for them before they even got another chance at this. She was already too accustomed to that dreadful feeling. So much of last year was spent in hypotheticals. She had cried over the realization that she should have listened to Quinn's initial advice on getting married and spent too much time wondering what would have happened had she done so.

She's still convinced, now more than ever, that she and Quinn would have eventually wound up in the same place. Her eyes would have been opened somehow, and Santana, undoubtedly, would have still thrown it in her face. As much as she had been looking for an escape from Finn and a New York she never envisioned, pursuing Quinn had been just as much about fearing that she missed her shot. Rachel was married and would never get to explore a relationship with hypothetical-Quinn.

The happy medium she claimed for herself was never going to be ideal, but at least she _knew_. To some degree she had gotten to know what being with Quinn Fabray was like, and that was better than spending every day wondering and regretting. She _hadn't_ been too late.

But now she could do nothing but stew in the knowledge that Quinn was off being busy with the living definition of a _'Yalie.'_ She didn't want to go back in time to where she started. It was infuriating and impossible to sleep on. The last thing they needed was to have an argument the morning Quinn was leaving.

She was out of bed before sunrise to avoid it. She showered, dressed, and refrained from buying something off the shopping network before Quinn even woke up. _Alone_. It was mentioned offhandedly before Quinn took her own shower, but they didn't delve into why that obviously upset her. They didn't talk about anything of importance, and Rachel bit her tongue over the fact that Quinn really didn't even have the right to be upset given her latest developments.

Instead, Rachel made breakfast once Quinn was done in the bathroom and finished getting dressed and ready for their final moments together. Well, okay, she made toast and served jam on the side. It was pleasantly received anyway.

"I think you've improved," Quinn noted after slowly chewing the last of her toast.

"All packed?"

"Yeah." She hesitated for a moment. "I could stay a little longer if-"

"No, it's fine. You've got a lot to get back to."

"Yes. The pre- _pre_ studying for finals. What fun," she joked dryly, picking at her crust.

"I was speaking more of social engagements, but I understand your frustration."

It was a relatively simple statement. Nothing Rachel said was outright in its accusation, but Quinn knew her too well.

She sat back in her chair, deliberately taking her time in brushing the crumbs from her fingertips. "I knew you were not okay with this."

" _Of course_ I'm not okay with this." Rachel sprung up from the table. She paced and turned back in rapid determination. It was hard to follow her steps. "You're casually dating some–some _boy?_ " Rachel wasn't sure why that specification felt important to her, but it was. "I could understand if it was serious or if you felt that it could be. If you were in love."

Quinn bit back something. She hoped it was a laugh. A laugh would be better than a sob. Being in love was exactly what she was trying not to do. She calmly (or as calmly as she could manage at the moment) stood up as well. "I have the right to date whoever I want. This isn't something you have say over."

"And this isn't something you had to tell me. If it's not something serious in your life, then why did you feel the need for me to know? Were you trying to hurt me? Drive me crazy? _What?_ " she snapped.

Absolutely none of that had been her intention, but she doubted Rachel would believe her. "I wasn't trying to hurt you, Rachel. I only wanted to tell you because if you were dating anyone else, I'd rather hear it from you than a third party."

"Well, thank you, Quinn, that's very considerate."

"Now you're just being childish."

"And you're acting like this doesn't matter." She watched as Quinn turned away, scoffing. "As if you didn't know what this was going to do to me. As if you saying _'anyone else'_ doesn't imply that there's something here." That regained the other girl's attention rather quickly. Rachel didn't even want to keep looking at her. It hurt far more than it should. "I think you should go. Please go."

Quinn gnawed on the inside of her cheek. "You're kicking me out?"

"No, I'm asking you to leave."

"Yeah, that's kicking me out."

"You were going home anyway."

"Fine. Next time do us both a favor and don't even invite me." She brushed past the tiny brunette and snatched up her bag on the way to the door. However, Rachel was right on her tail.

"Why do you make everything so difficult?"

She spun back around. " _I_ make everything difficult?"

"Yes! I'm trying to do what you wanted. I'm trying to be your _friend_."

Quinn relented in her stance some. "When I said that I meant that we should try to be what we were before."

"Before," she repeated flatly. "Are we ever going to address what happened _after?_ "

"Rachel." It was a warning and taken as such.

Unfortunately, Rachel couldn't find it within herself to abide. "This is why I want you to go. You obviously have no desire to talk about it. To talk about how we've experienced each other in ways no one else has." She took satisfaction in Quinn's unmistakable discomfort. "I'm sorry, but I can't be just friends with you. Not if it requires me to discuss whatever new boyfriend comes into your life. And honestly, Quinn, if our roles were reversed, you wouldn't exactly jump at the opportunity to discuss it with me either." She thought that she was making a good point, a _winning_ point, but the distress was gone and in its place Quinn's look was hard.

"No, I wouldn't. Except I have for years now. Sorry you're just catching up."

"Years?" She frowned. "Quinn…"

"Like I really wanted to talk to you about you giving your virginity to Finn. Or his proposal or your stupid wedding or your marriage or _any_ of it. Get real."

Rachel bristled. "You never _said_ anything."

"The fact that I was Finn's ex-girlfriend would probably be a stop sign to most people."

"This isn't even about him."

"That's not the point." Rachel huffed at that. "God, you are just so…" Quinn didn't even want to finish. She was clueless. That's what Rachel was. Always had been.

"What? I'm what, Quinn?"

_And incessant._ Rachel was that too.

Quinn shook her head before Rachel could demand anything else. "No. I'm leaving now. Storming out is my choice this time. Not yours." Like hell Rachel was going to kick _her_ out. If she had to leave, it was at least going to be under her own volition.

"Good." Rachel nodded to herself as Quinn marched out of her door. She waited a beat before chasing after her, not at all concerned with her neighbors overhearing. She felt having the last word was _dire._ "Don't call me in three months when you finally _do_ want to talk about the fact that we've had sex. On multiple occasions. I'll have moved on by then myself. Perhaps I'll be casually dating someone who declares as pre-med. It's a far more noble profession!"

"Don't worry. I won't call you at all."

*

Quinn called Rachel as soon as she got home. It took the girl half a lyric to answer the tone.

Apologies were immediately implied and unnecessary. They both admitted that they obviously needed to have a conversation–an honest one–about where they were and what they wanted from each other. It was the mature thing to do, even if it was also the thing Quinn dreaded most. What she wanted from Rachel and what she should want were two very different things.

She was given a welcomed delay when finals hit. That was a week of stress and exhaustion, and neither felt the need to add to it. They would not, however, be able to escape the holidays.

Quinn _had_ to go back to Lima. She had skipped Thanksgiving and vacationed the summer away in California. Her mother missed her and wanted to talk, supposedly, and cook a Christmas dinner together. Quinn tried not to feel guilty over it. Her mother could just as easily pick up the phone and call her at Yale.

It was decided that Rachel would be going back too. Hiram and Leroy offered to fly out again this year, but she declined, stating that this was something she needed to put behind her. Besides, even if they had chosen to spend their break at school, they most likely would have been forced (read: kidnapped) into coming home.

Not too long into December, Sugar had sent everyone from glee invitations demanding that they all attend her parents' annual Christmas Eve party—annual despite not being invited to the previous two. Over the summer, the gleeks all agreed that they'd get together at least once a year, every year, until they were all in nursing homes. That obviously wasn't going to happen, but the party was a perfect place to start. Quinn wasn't exactly excited about going, but she was about 100% sure that Sugar's father ran a mob and could put a hit out on her if she didn't comply with his daughter. AKA the most spoiled girl on earth.

The invitations _'requested'_ (again, demanded) that those attending come in formal wear. Quinn took a train in to New York a day before they were set to fly to Columbus to rent this formal wear. It was awkward seeing Rachel again under circumstances they themselves did not plan, but Kurt and Blaine at least seemed just as uncomfortable together. The four slept in the loft (with Blaine on the couch) and tried not to dread tomorrow too much. No one should _ever_ schedule for a flight on Christmas Eve, but Quinn and Rachel both wanted to put off going home until the very last moment.

After a slight weather delay, their flight did finally land in Ohio, and Blaine's weird brother with the disgustingly perfect face drove them to the Berrys' house efficiently enough. The foursome spent far too much time getting ready and would without a doubt be arriving late. No one seemed to mind, though. New Directions was more than happy to reunite with its last missing members. Or the ones present were.

Finn was in attendance but not currently in the room with them. He had left as soon as he got wind of Rachel's arrival. Rachel looked hurt by this news and after a few moments of glee embraces, went off in search of him. Kurt gave her his best encouraging smile, but Rachel was only looking at Quinn. Quinn mirrored Kurt as best she could. It wasn't her place to be encouraging or worried or jealous or anything. This was a private matter between the two exes.

But she couldn't help the very irrational panic of Finn finally having gotten his act together, and the two of them picking up where they left off. Rachel had given zero indication of that, and the last Quinn heard Finn had no plans of leaving Lima. Except this was _Finn and Rachel_ , and it's what they did.

Puck and Mercedes were welcomed distractions. They entertained her with stories of Los Angeles. Quinn was happy for them, but she couldn't believe they were still together. She would've guessed that Mercedes would have dumped him twice over by now. Puck must have really been trying with her. It was nice to know that he could.

Brittany and Santana and Artie and Sugar were still going just as strong. They were already offering for their seventh wheel to come back out again this summer. She'd have to think about it, of course. Mike and Joe were both friendly as always, as were their dates for the evening. Sam was thrilled to see her and couldn't help hugging her twice. Tina seemed less warm than Quinn remembered but was happy enough when Blaine joined them. (Mr. Schue was not in attendance nor was he even invited which Quinn tried not to be amused by.)

Eventually, after playing nice, Finn and Rachel was all any of them were talking about. Kurt was the only one who didn't want to engage and joined Quinn by one of the bars that were set out. They didn't say anything to each other until Finn's head could be seen floating over everyone else's. But it was just Finn. Finn had come back alone. Rachel was nowhere in sight. Quinn thought it'd be best to duck out now before Finn noticed her, and Kurt wanted to go check on Rachel.

The party was being held on the entire first floor so Quinn was able to mingle with the Mottas' guests away from her friends. This did nothing, really, but reiterate the fact that older men were pervs. They had no way of knowing if she was still underage or not. _And yet…_

It was twenty minutes of gross man hands and her best death-glare before she got any update on Rachel. The text from her interrupted a tiresome pickup line and asked her to meet her upstairs. Quinn did not hesitate despite the message not indicating _where_ upstairs. The upstairs happened to be off-limits tonight. Sugar's house– _scratch that_ –mansion was _massive_. It probably had catacombs, and she had no idea where to start. It was like playing Clue.

After a den, a bedroom, and a bathroom, Quinn did eventually find her in what was apparently a billiard room. Rachel's head was bowed and her shoulders were hunched as she looked out of the window. It had started snowing, and Quinn was hit with just how absolutely stunning Rachel was. She had thought the girl looked beautiful earlier when they were getting dressed but hadn't said anything. Quinn wasn't sure what it would mean coming from her and was suddenly nervous to be left alone together.

She, Rachel, and holidays didn't exactly have the best track record. They seemed to keep getting them into trouble.

Quinn joined her by the window, effectively gaining her attention. "Why are you hiding up here?"

"I'm not hiding. I'm merely exploring."

Quinn did not believe her but let it slide for now. "So do we think Sugar's father is a real life Don Corleone?"

"Yes. I'm actually looking for a dashing, young Al Pacino around every corner. You caught me." She laughed lightly until it caught in her throat and broke off.

The sound made them both wince.

"Everything okay? With Finn, I mean?" Quinn asked tentatively.

"I guess everyone knows we spoke." Rachel wondered if she would always be the center of gossip between her friends rather than attention. It was never the spotlight she wanted of theirs.

"Word may have gotten out."

"We're fine."

Quinn didn't believe that either even though she wanted to. Rachel looked too upset. "Did Finn say something stupid?"

Rachel smiled. Quinn didn't like how it came of as secretive.

"No. He said something very smart, actually." Rachel was grateful for the maturity and care Finn had displayed. It was more than she deserved, but she was so happy that he didn't hate her after all.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"It was nice to talk to him. Did you know he looks different? And not just because of the suit. He looks happy. I haven't seen that in such a long time." Well, maybe not _happy_ happy, but he appeared to have no stress hanging over him and it had been a relished sight to her.

"That's not your fault, Rachel."

"I know that." She nodded, but it held no confidence. "Obviously, some of it was." Looking at Quinn was enough of a statement. "But it wouldn't have worked. And, you know, t-that's okay. We may have failed as husband and wife, but that doesn't reflect on us as individuals. I'm going to do great things at NYADA, and Finn says he likes going to school here. He said it was all for the best, and I can't help but agree." _Even if sometimes it still feels wrong to._

"You didn't fail at marriage."

"Yes, I did."

"Both of you were too young. Finn will make a good husband to someone one day and an even better father. I've been sure of that for years. At one point too sure." Quinn rolled her eyes at herself.

"He really will," she sighed. Rachel just couldn't picture him doing it with her anymore. She tried not to picture anyone. It's dangerous how easy that would be.

"And hey," Quinn gave a comforting squeeze to the other girl's hand, "you're going to make someone so happy, Rachel."

"But only after I've received multiple winning accolades for my life on stage."

Quinn's laugh was gorgeous at that, and Rachel was struck with wanting to make someone happy now.

She tugged Quinn closer by the hand, whispering, "We still need to talk."

"That can wait until after the party. Tonight…let's just spend it with our friends."

Rachel caught the double meaning easily and closed her eyes for a moment. "Quinn, look up."

She frowned, a bit amused before finding what she was meant to be looking at. Quinn stared at the mistletoe for a moment then backed away, hurt. "What–Did you put that up there?"

"Of course not." Rachel couldn't even reach it without a step ladder. "I just searched between rooms until I found it. I thought it could be useful. Far be it from me to break tradition."

"You don't even celebrate Christmas."

"I can still be respectful."

Quinn shook her head. "Apparently not." She made to leave.

"Please don't run away from me."

It was the fact that Rachel sounded determined and not pitiful in her plea that kept Quinn in the room. She turned back around but went nowhere near the window and its stupid festivities.

"I still have feelings for you, Quinn. And I think–No, I know you have them for me too," she corrected. "So what are we going to do about that? Ignoring it isn't working."

No, it wasn't, but Quinn didn't like that Rachel suddenly wanted to have this conversation now. They made no noise of it prior to the party. But apparently one conversation with Finn brought it on. "Look, I get that you don't want to be left on your own, but I'm not here to fix that for you."

"I know that."

"It's just you've always been in a relationship. Even when you were single."

Rachel's smile was reserved. "Well, so have you."

"But isn't that what this is? You want to be with someone, and I'm still here."

It was said in a way that was reasonable and detached, and Rachel wanted to cry. She hated hearing Quinn devalue this. The last thing Quinn was was some security blanket. Rachel still had so much to make up for, regardless of what Kurt had said.

"This isn't about being alone," she told her quietly. "I know I can do that now. I have Kurt and Blaine and NYADA. I have friends. You included. And if you really just want to be friends, Quinn, then we will. I'll learn to deal with that because I have no intention of losing you." It all sounded selfless. _Until she continued, of course._ "But that's obviously not the case."

"Can I ask you something?" Quinn cut in. "Why are you doing this now? Why here? Why tonight at _this_ _moment_?" she challenged. It didn't matter. Quinn already knew the answer. She just wanted Rachel to know that she knew.

"Because Finn told me that it was alright." She knew it was exactly the wrong thing to say before Quinn even managed to react.

"I wasn't aware you needed his permission."

"Wait–That came out wrong, okay?" She crossed the space between them to get back in front of Quinn. "I'm not doing this because of him. Specifically, I wasn't doing this until tonight _because_ of him."

"Yeah, I got that part."

Rachel sighed. This was going horribly. "It's not what you're thinking. I just–I didn't want to break his heart any more than I already had. And to move on before he did? It would have seemed like I didn't care. That wouldn't have been fair to him. Not after everything."

It was nauseating listening to this. Quinn had trouble comprehending how Finn and Rachel were still apparently putting their lives on hold for each other. Believed it entirely, just couldn't comprehend it. _It would never change._

"But tonight he made it clear that he just wants me to be happy. This won't bother him," Rachel continued.

"Great. Well as long as Finn's feelings are intact."

"Can you stop making this about him? This is about you and me. I was trying to respect your wishes as well."

"A little hard not to." Not when she had played witness to their entire relationship. "Tell me there's not a part of you that's just hoping he'll figure out how to be an actual adult and come running back to New York in a few years. That's always been your relationship with him, Rachel. No matter how much you hurt each other or how obvious it is that it doesn't work, it's inevitable." And Quinn had no intention of yet again being a casualty when that happened. Christ, it would be the _fourth_ time. Who does that to themselves?

Rachel could understand that perspective because it would have been true before, but it was hardly still true now. This needed reasoning. "I'm not waiting for him. I'm not waiting for anyone. The only thing I see in my future is me." Perhaps it was selfish, but she couldn't keep placing unpredictable expectations onto others. It never seemed to work out. "I love Finn and I'm always going to, but I haven't been in love with him for a long time now. And, you know, he's not waiting for me either. Finn doesn't want to be in New York. I don't see that changing."

Quinn shut her eyes for a moment and tried to even out her breathing, but the tears came anyway. It was frustrating. One day, she would have to master that when it came to Rachel Berry. "I can't do this again. I'm not going to let you use me just so you'll feel less alone or less afraid. I'm not your bed warmer."

Rachel would normally try to feel bad about ruining Quinn's makeup, but she had already ruined her own when talking to Finn. At least now they matched because as patient as she was trying to be, she couldn't stop her own cries. Maybe she should have gone with a more natural look.

"I'm so sorry that I ever made you feel that way. It was never just physical. How could it be?" She smiled shyly, but Quinn was guarded as she gave nothing away. Rachel hoped that she wasn't implying their bedroom activities weren't well-received. "Of course, I loved being intimate with you as I'm sure you remember." It wasn't exactly something that she could ever deny nor did she want to. "But you mean so much more to me. Always have. And I know that I didn't do a good job of showing that last year, but you have to believe that."

If nothing else came of this, Rachel would make sure without question that Quinn knew that.

"It will be different this time, I promise. It won't be anything like last year. I'm not looking for a-a clandestine affair. I'm…" She shrugged helplessly. "I want to be able to invite you to dinner with my dads when they come visit and to hold your hand while walking through Central Park. I want you to be in the front row of my performances at NYADA. I want to be there for yours. This–We could start a real relationship. I know you said that you wanted to casually explore the college dating scene, but Quinn, don't you want to fall in love one day? To have someone that belongs to you? Don't you want to see where this goes?"

"It wouldn't be that simple." Not when she already knew for certain where she would dream for this to go. Easy relationships didn't start that way.

"But it could be." Rachel pulled her closer and fit all too well. "Look, I'm not ready either. Not for everything. I think we should take this slow and let it just happen naturally." Quinn snorted there. Nothing ever happened naturally between them. "We obviously jumped into everything too quickly before. I mean, this basically started in a hotel room. We'll do it the right way this time. Quinn, we-" Rachel paused to smile to herself before glancing back up. "We could get it right this time."

Quinn's laugh was watery and not at all light. "Aren't we, like, 0 for 5 there?" 0 for 6 would break her heart. _Or what was left of it._

"Sixth time's the charm." Rachel reached up to wipe away her tears. "I'm just asking for a chance. Or another one, I suppose." She gave a small smile until Quinn spoke again, causing it to grow and overtake her face.

"We're taking this slow." At least that way she could see it coming. Except Rachel's grin was distracting from that already. "Slow, Rachel," she stressed.

"I promise," Rachel repeated once more before connecting their lips.

It was different than it was before. Quinn had been grounding before. Kissing her had magnified the moment and allowed everything else in Rachel's world to cease. It had been alleviating, _stabilizing_. When Rachel had felt off balance, Quinn was what she needed.

Now her world was spinning.

The feeling of falling was overwhelming. Rachel had missed this more than she knew. Her pulse was heated and her stomach felt like it was somewhere around her knees. There was no reason not to be doing this now. There was no shame in this happening, and neither needed to pretend that it meant anything other than what they were feeling.

She felt taken as Quinn sighed into her mouth. The hand that curled around the back of her neck was indecisive in its grip. Quinn was trying to maintain some type of control. Rachel recognized that and reveled in it. She dug her fingers into Quinn's hips, encouraging her before snaking her arms around the taller girl's back in a tight hold. There wasn't a shred of space between them as she nipped at her lower lip.

Quinn's mouth opened beneath hers, and Rachel didn't hesitate in meeting her tongue. The grip on her neck tightened until it was firm and absolute, and somehow she was being pulled even closer. Quinn's freehand dropped from her elbow down to Rachel's waist, and the room shrunk in size.

Rachel wondered if anyone would miss them if they didn't return to the party. She was amazed that she hadn't forgot about it yet.

Being here, she felt so sure of herself. Probably more than she should at this point. But this worked. It wasn't something being recreated. It was new. Better. Their convoluted past was allowed to play influence, but it wouldn't define this. Rachel had struggled so much with Quinn and separate from her, and now she had no restraints.

They were meant to end up here.

*

Their winter breaks ran about until almost the same day in January, and both Rachel and Quinn had already scheduled out their stay in Lima prior to Christmas. Prior to them getting together, that is. Rachel thought she'd be spending most of their time catching up with everyone else– _maybe even singing a group number for old time's sake_ –before they all had to return to school again. Quinn had as well. She thought she'd be busy hiding her embarrassment with the west coasters.

Rachel and Quinn didn't leave each other's bedrooms for the rest of break.

Hard-pressed to care they were not, and there would be other glee reunions. Besides, it wasn't like it was erotic. Most of their time was spent talking. They talked through things that were far more important than what most of their phone conversations have consisted of this year. And yes, if they happened to end up on a bed afterward, then so be it. They were adults with an attraction, and they were staying fully clothed. Which, in all fairness, was technically taking it slow…for them.

Rachel's fathers were smug when she first invited Quinn over and properly introduced them. Being the fans of theatrics that they were, the Berry men liked to pretend her marriage ended because of her desire for an _'illicit lesbian romp.'_ Initially, they had been surprised that Rachel cheated and with another woman no less. But then there was a discussion which prompted Hiram to recall the stalling of her first wedding. Leroy shot her a faux scandalized look, and neither would leave her be until she confirmed that, yes, it was _that_ Quinn Fabray.

Joking about it had made the whole process of divorce easier. Pretending her marriage failed over something out of a soap opera was better than the real reasons which were still rather depressing for everyone in the family. They would still try and cheer her up sometimes by reminding her that all the great ones collected spouses the way her great uncle Larry collected stamps. It was the life of a diva, after all. (They just didn't want her second one to come anytime soon. They made that known too.)

Quinn took care in making sure her mother was wise to nothing. It was not a conversation she was ready to have any time soon (if ever). Instead, she invited Rachel over while Judy was at work. In high school, Rachel had never been to Quinn's house. Quinn had barely been to hers. There was so much they have yet to experience with one another; just basic things one normally wouldn't think about. The number almost matched that of all they had done before they were probably really ready to.

It was an odd way of starting a relationship and definitely took some getting used to.

*

Kurt was the first person they told, well, Rachel told. He asked if he was supposed to be surprised by this turn of events. For a while, he was the only person they told. Quinn hadn't opposed the idea of confirming their relationship over break, but she wasn't necessarily open to it either. She only asked to speak about it later.

_Well it was later._

They hadn't seen each other in person since flying back in weeks ago. They were giving Skype a try now (per Brittany's advice so maybe Quinn was open after all), and while a definite improvement, it wasn't the same. Not when Rachel finally had important information worth celebrating.

She knew Quinn had class until about 3:30 on Thursdays this semester. It happened to coincide with Rachel's free afternoon of the week, something she hadn't been happy about. Unwinding after their classes was usually when their best conversations occurred, and now they were short a day. It did, however, give her the perfect amount of time to hop on a train and surprise Quinn outside of her dorm before she got back. Rachel had done it in the past.

She had never been more nervous than today, though. Rachel hasn't been back on this campus since the last time she and Quinn had been intimate. It _hadn't_ been a good day.

This entire year she's been careful to avoid coming back. All of it was too familiar and still too fresh. She vividly remembered coming here and spending the second hour on the train in anticipation of seeing Quinn and what she had planned for them. (The first hour was spent trying to forget New York existed, and that she should not be on a train at all.) They planned and monopolized Quinn's pintsized dorm whenever her previous roommate was set to drive home for a weekend. So much of their time was spent going out on what could only be described as dates around New Haven. Dates that were very similar to the ones Rachel wanted them to go on now. _Almost exactly._

Truly, she has been so very, very stupid.

After finding the correct building and sneaking in amongst a group of girls (And really, it was always far too easy. Campus Security should really look into that.), Rachel found Quinn's room number. No one was in yet, and she sat waiting for about twenty minutes before Quinn arrived. She wasn't alone. Rachel recognized Natalie, the roommate, and a couple of Quinn's other friends from meeting them last year. The only one she didn't know was the guy in the back wearing the sweater. He seemed to tower over everyone.

"Rachel?"

"Hi." She pulled herself up against the wall. "It's a surprise, I know."

Quinn smiled and looked like she was about to respond properly but then seemed to remember that she wasn't alone. "Um, you guys remember Rachel. My friend from New York."

Rachel's smile dropped a hair over the use of the word _'friend.'_ This was _exactly_ why she was here. This needed fixing.

She brightly picked it back up before addressing Quinn's friends. It never hurts to impress. "It's nice to see you all again."

Natalie laughed. "Yeah. Fabray, since that you _clearly_ have your hands full, we'll see you later. And I want details."

"Sorry," Quinn apologized as her friends departed and welcomed Rachel into her dorm.

She released a long, even breath after stepping over the threshold. It wasn't that different from Quinn's freshman dorm, but there were definite changes to pick up on. First and foremost, it was a little bigger. There was thankfully more space between mattresses. It had more closet space. Quinn's bulletin was more decorative this year. She had a new bedspread. Natalie, as a roommate, seemed to have both more personality and less order than Quinn's last one.

All in all, being back wasn't so bad.

"What's wrong? Did something happen?"

Rachel frowned over that being Quinn's immediate train of thought. It was true in the past that something being wrong was usually why Rachel ran to her, but there were plenty of other reasons to come here. "Nothing's wrong." She smiled for added assurance. "I got a job."

Quinn's look of worry vanished. "Hey that's great."

"Yes, my first job." The squeal she released was not at all uncalled for. This required bragging and celebration. "I'll be working as a hostess in a so-called vegan hipster restaurant near campus. I did not, however, appreciate how the manager implied that choosing a vegan lifestyle at our age means you're a hipster art student. As if twenty year-olds can't look out for their diet or care about animal slaughter."

"You didn't say this in your interview, right?"

"Of course I did."

"Are you sure you got the job?"

"I actually think it's what _did_ get me the job." She bit her lip sheepishly.

Quinn laughed and turned away to go hang up her jacket. "Well, I'm happy for you, but you didn't need to come here to tell me that. You could have just called."

"I wanted to see you." She shrugged. "I know it's not that big of a deal, but you're still the first person I wanted to tell." She grinned when Quinn tried to hide her blush. Rachel could cause that to happen forever, but that was a dangerous thought to have. She cleared her throat. "And, well, here." She handed over a newly paid for train pass. "New semester. My turn." Pay checks were _amazing_. And sure, she hasn't received one yet, but she considered the purchase a personal advancement.

Whenever they did this, it was never meant to be a traditional gift. They both spent the same amount of money on each other once a year. They were square, but Quinn still felt herself at a loss for words. "Thanks." Rachel watched as she turned away again to go store the pass in her dresser.

"Quinn, I…" She sighed. She'd rather not be having this conversation with the girl's back. "I want to be with you."

Quinn turned back around with a panicked frown. "We said we'd take this slow."

It was Rachel's turn to blush now. They were both still jumpy about… _that_. "That's not what I'm talking about."

"Alright."

Quinn's look told her to continue, but suddenly, she didn't know where to begin. "Was that guy you came in with Mr. Pre-law?"

"No." She frowned. "That's–Rachel, I ended that as soon as I got back. It didn't mean anything."

Rachel nodded. She _did_ know that already. Getting confirmation didn't hurt, however. "But I want it to mean something with us."

Quinn tried not to laugh, but it bubbled out anyway as she crossed her room. "I don't think that's going to be a problem."

Rachel relaxed again once her hands were grasping onto the pockets of Quinn's dress. "Then can we make this official?"

"It wasn't already?"

"Stop." She swatted at her side. "I'm serious. I want to be able to call you my girlfriend, Quinn."

"Girlfriend?"

"Girlfriend."

She chuckled. "That's weird."

"Why?"

"It's just a little conventional for us."

"But that's what we're supposed be doing this time, right?" Quinn hummed in agreement. "Look, I know you don't want your mother to know yet." The sudden expression on her face was enough to reaffirm that. "I'm not saying we need to make a grand announcement or even be that public. I just want to be able to tell our friends at school and from glee that we're together. To tell Finn." She shrugged again. He deserved to know for sure more than anyone else did. "I want us to be exclusive, Quinn."

Quinn would gladly live with that. "Girlfriend, huh?"

Rachel smiled with another nod. "Girlfriend." She pulled the girl down for a kiss.

And, well, it turns out Quinn's new bed wasn't so bad either.

*

They made it a point to visit one another at least every other weekend, much like Rachel used to do last year. But that was where the similarities stopped. They weren't being secretive now. Rachel didn't need to hide her wedding rings from Quinn's roommate and friends. And Quinn, in turn, could keep coming to New York. They went out as an actual couple, and stayed in as one that was still getting to know each other. Physically, they were still quite in tune. It was emotionally where they needed work.

The second semester had been set, and as intended, those who had starred in minor roles last term would take on the leads this time. Rachel was sure she would have won the role anyway. Her professor loved her mock audition process this time. Clearly, this wasn't something to just _tell_ her girlfriend over the phone. No, it needed to be done in person. However, Rachel had found out she would be this year's Sally Bowles on a Monday and could not wait until the weekend. Luckily, her Tuesday classes started late, and she only worked nights so Rachel had the perfect opportunity for one of her surprise-Quinn visits.

It wasn't a welcomed one.

Quinn wasn't cold or short with her. Quite the opposite. To anyone else, they probably wouldn't have noticed anything was out of sorts. But Rachel knew her too well, and it was impossible to miss. Rachel had obviously come at a bad time. Quinn was wiped out and wearing comfy longue clothes that normally wouldn't be her go-to. She was busy trying to finish a paper, but she hadn't _told_ Rachel that in any of their recent talks. And even when interrupting, Quinn didn't ask her to leave and still let her spend the night.

Quinn still had the unique problem of saying everything she thought Rachel wanted to hear rather than what was actually on her mind. Rachel thought they would have long grown past that by now. After everything they had been through, Quinn should at least be honest with her always. Even if it was difficult for her to hear.

Quinn didn't share much of anything, and if she did, it was usually done offhandedly. Mostly, they discussed Rachel. Now, she was never one to entirely shy away from this sort of attention. Finn had stopped discussing NYADA with her when it had become too hard for him, and this was a welcomed change. Except it hadn't been like this before Christmas. They had talked about Quinn's life at Yale plenty then. Now it was few and far between.

Rachel wasn't even sure if Quinn was aware that she was doing it or if it was some sort of defense mechanism. Finn had made mention once of Quinn being less than forthcoming about what she was thinking or feeling. Rachel remembered thinking up possible ways to use this to her advantage to win him back. At the time, Rachel had worn everything on her sleeve without pause. It seemed to put her ahead of the competition so to speak. Except it was clear now that it wasn't about Finn. He was the one who didn't want to take the time to fight past Quinn's walls.

Rachel was more than willing. She was _desperate_.

She thought that she knew–most of the time–how Quinn felt about her. Quinn listened carefully and smiled at her without restraint. Said smiles weren't at all manufactured or perfected as they have been in the past. Her eyes were typically glued to Rachel, and she would text the cheesiest of jokes when she knew Rachel was taking one of her (boring) classes that actually placed her behind a desk with a book. She held her hand without prompt and was always respectful of Rachel's high maintenance moods.

But Quinn never said the words. Words Rachel has wanted to hear for quite some time. If she was being brutally honest with herself, she's wanted to hear Quinn say it ever since Santana said it for her. She wasn't, however, and realistically, Rachel's only been waiting since the first time they slept together. Either way, it was still over a year. That was an eternity for Rachel Berry and feelings. But she was trying to be patient. It wasn't like she was making any declarations herself.

She didn't want to be wrong in possibly jumping to conclusions. Lord knows it would not be the first time.

So instead, Rachel was left to make sense of it all on her own while Quinn would slip in sporadic details. How her mother was driving her insane by trying to get Quinn to go on a summer cruise with her. How the LA gang called looking for a deciding vote as they tried to play mediator in a fight between Artie and Sugar that they all hoped would not lead to a breakup. How Quinn was switching to a more practical major for her undergrad studies.

That one, Rachel felt wasn't something to just casually tack on to the end of an email.

She supported her decision, of course, but Rachel wouldn't lie. It had been disappointing. First Kurt, now Quinn. Now New Directions would _never_ all star in a Berry produced musical together. (For charity, obviously, after she had gained enough stage success to accomplish it on her own.) But Quinn had plenty of opportunities at Yale and could even go back into drama after graduating if she changed her mind. Rachel had no doubt that Quinn would be successful in any endeavor she chose. And her girlfriend was happy with her decision. Quinn was happy period. Rachel saw her smile now more than she ever had in all the years she had known her, and that was the most important thing.

They both were happy in their lives.

Their communication issues while persistent and troubling and an obvious work-in-progress were underlying. At the end of the day, it never interfered with the rest of their relationship.

No, that had come down to their bedroom activities that were far harder to ignore as Rachel didn't want to ignore _them_. Specifically, it was their lack of bedroom activities. After about the two month mark of dating, sex was no longer something to be squeamish or awkward about between them. They were doing virtually everything but the actual act. Kurt had even taken up to Febrezing the couch after Quinn would visit. ( _Not at all appreciated, by the way._ )

Rachel _had_ wanted to take it slow. It no longer applied. Regardless of how she initially never wanted to partake in Rachel's research into the matter last year, Quinn was always willing to be rather astute with her physically. Due to their individual experience when it came to sex, it had been surprisingly natural how well they ended up working together in bed. Quinn truly did like to drag her pleasure out. Rachel believed that it was more about control and the self-satisfaction of absolute achievement, but since Rachel was always the beneficiary she never complained.

But she was starting to suspect that Quinn was doing it on purpose. Every time Rachel was about to reach her peak, they'd stop. She had newfound sympathy for Finn and all the other boys Quinn has dated.

They haven't talked (of course not) about why Quinn always stops them or why Rachel never asks for more. Instead, they've silently stuck to taking it "slow" as that's what was agreed upon. Even if it wasn't what either of them wanted anymore.

*

By the time of Quinn's next visit, Rachel could no longer stand it. She waited a day before acting. While she, undeniably, was an expert at the direct approach, it never hurt to lull an opponent into a false sense of security.

Quinn expected nothing, though she wished she had.

They spent their Saturday how they normally would with each other. They went out for coffee and talked about NYADA and Rachel's friends. Quinn told Rachel about a class assignment or two, nothing of importance. They did minor sightseeing as Rachel loved to show Quinn her city and planned out tomorrow's trip to Callbacks. A group would be going. Kurt and Adam and their glee club were putting on a set in the afternoon. Rachel also made mention of wanting to sing something to her which simply made Quinn melt and wait impatiently for Sunday.

The morning began for Quinn like several had in this apartment: By meeting Kurt's latest conquest. Adam's Apples show or not, it wasn't Adam in the kitchen. Surprisingly, it wasn't anyone from NYADA. It was an intern from Vogue. He apparently took over Kurt's position from last year, and they bonded over it. Quinn didn't really get a chance to know him, but she liked him more than Daniel anyway. _Low bar._

That was as uncomplicated as the day got because by the time the intern left, Rachel was dressed and ready for the day. Specifically, for phase one of her plan.

Rachel had decided to spend their day in a previously worn outfit. It was a dress that barely came to her thigh and was far too expensive and stylish for what was scheduled today. None of that by itself was all that notable. It was far from the first time Rachel had overdressed, and most of her skirts were, well, on the short side which Quinn was hardly going to complain about.

No. It's that _this_ dress happened to be the one she had worn to Mr. Schuester's wedding last year. The one Quinn had stripped her from that same night. It was not something she planned on forgetting a single detail from.

Most of the day was strenuous. Rachel was trying to be casual and act as if nothing was out of sorts even though they both understood _exactly_ what she was doing. By the time they got to Callbacks, it was unbearable. Rachel should not be allowed to be someone who smirks. And definitely not when she was singing to Quinn and only Quinn.

They left Callbacks early. Rachel hoped Kurt would forgive them. Quinn didn't actually care. Every single subway stop took too much of their time. Especially when a different train would be calling for Quinn very soon. _Too soon._

The door barely clicked shut before Rachel was shoving Quinn down on her couch and climbing on top of her. Her damnable dress rode up as she sunk down further, and Quinn didn't hesitate in exploring newly exposed skin.

"You're not playing fair," she mumbled as Rachel moved to attach herself to Quinn's throat.

"I never have." Between crack houses and ballot boxes, Quinn really couldn't argue that. "Besides, I learned from the best. I believe it was your club whose motto was that _'it's all about the teasing and not about the pleasing',_ " Rachel mocked, trying to hold her smirk in place before losing it to a full blown smile. "You know, or we can just give in and get to the pleasing portion if my playing tactics are not up to your purview."

Quinn's head hit the back of the couch with a groan. "Celibacy club." She never thought that would come back to screw her over; pun perhaps intended. The Quinn who created that club would probably be horrified if she could see herself right now, but it also occurred to her that maybe this wasn't the worst reminder to be given. "That's true." Moments like this were what clubs like that were created for.

And so okay, she had never been _that_ sexually frustrated in high school. Well, beyond those couple of weeks due to pregnancy hormones. Quinn had always been in control of that and wasn't all too eager to have sex with any of the boys she dated anyway. It was nothing like now, but she was still one-time president. She could manage this… _In a minute._

She sat back up to try and get her breathing under control. "Rachel." She reached out to gently stroke away her hair. Rachel looking at her so lovingly made this especially difficult, but Quinn would win. She would feel like a complete loser all the way home to Yale, but she would _win_ and that's what was important at the moment. Rachel and her dress could eat it. It was a _completely_ unfair trick. Especially when she had nothing to counter it.

"Yeah?"

"I want to thank you."

"For what?"

"For reminding me that I don't need to have sex."

"Huh. Wait-"

Quinn kissed away the protest, smirking as she placed Rachel next to her. She stood from the couch to survey her damage. "I'm going back to New Haven."

"Are you serious?" Rachel scrambled right up after her.

"Very."

"But that's–That's not fair!"

"When have I ever been fair?"

Rachel released a frustrated whimper. She never was one to appreciate the tables being turned on her. "That's not funny."

Quinn almost felt bad. "I'll call you, okay?" She took a hold of both her hands, and Rachel could do nothing but pout and watch their fingers link. "I really do need to get back."

"I know." She sighed. It was true. Yale demanded too much of Rachel's time. _Stupid Yale._

"Hey." Quinn gave a small tug, getting Rachel to look back up at her. She leaned down to reconnect their lips once more. This kiss was slower than before which in Rachel's opinion just made this all the more annoyingly painful. Particularly when Quinn's smile was what broke it. "Just remember all those things Ms. Pillsbury used to tell you."

Rachel playfully shoved her away, pointing to her door. "Go."

Upon Quinn's laugh Rachel couldn't help but cross the room to give her a goodbye kiss, reminding her to call both when boarding the train and again when getting back on campus. Then she was gone.

This was awful. Rachel knew Quinn could be obstinate, but she really thought her brilliant dress plan was going to work. Now she was left alone and frustrated, and she doubted she could take care of this herself. That would not leave her sated.

She wondered if it would be too embarrassing to just cry in the tub instead.

*

As far as visits go, that last one probably wasn't the best way to leave things. But unfortunately their schedules kept them busy, and they weren't able to see each other in person again for a while. Rachel thought it did nothing to help ease the weight of Quinn's emotional distance. Her patience hadn't run thin. It had run out.

The spring production for Theatre Studies 4 ran on a Friday night. Dress rehearsals had been on Thursday, and they put on a Friday matinee performance for their fellow sophomores. That had been the performance in which their grades would be drawn from and was clearly more important. However, Friday night was an actual _show_ where friends and anyone else at NYADA could come. It was a closed show on campus.

In truth, not many cared. Sophomore productions were a footnote as upperclassmen were currently putting on their self-written, self-composed shows in _actual_ off-campus theaters where _actual_ critics were invited.

Kurt and Blaine and the rest of Rachel's friends took in her first, true performance. They clapped when appropriate and did it the loudest, or so she liked to assume. They were wowed. Even Kurt who had helped her prepare daily over the last week and probably knew her role as well as she did. And boy did she know it. Rachel had been great. She would never tire of the pure adrenaline rush of performing on stage, under bright lights, and in front of an audience. Okay, and she would never tire of the unadulterated praise either.

This was where Rachel was supposed to be. Always has been.

Still, something was missing, and the night wasn't complete until she got back to her apartment. Kurt and Blaine rode back home with her but wouldn't come up. Rachel thought they were being rude, but Kurt had been overly encouraging.

The first thing she noticed after unlocking her door was the bouquet of lilies sitting on the end table. She smiled privately. She didn't even know when Kurt had the time to pick them up without her knowing. She admired them for a moment before they were suddenly the only weapon she had at her disposal. Someone was definitely in her kitchen. Rachel had acute hearing…just maybe not an acute sense of reasoning.

She easily recognized her would-be attacker joining her in the living room.

"Quinn." That made more sense, and Rachel couldn't help dropping her things to run over and give her a hug. "What are you doing here?" She drew back but didn't dream or releasing her.

Quinn smirked, full of mirth. "Not that I'm one to keep score, of course-"

"Of course."

"-but I felt it was my turn for a surprise visit." Rachel had caught her off guard enough.

"But it's late." The show didn't run that much longer than their train route did. It meant Quinn had to have left during the late hours of the day. "I don't like you taking late trains."

"Then I guess you're stuck with me until the morning."

"I better have you longer than that." Rachel frowned for a moment. "How did you even get in here? Did you pick our lock? This is dangerous. We could come home one day and find ourselves being robbed." She should really hide her limited edition _Hedwig_ playbill.

"Unless Kurt is the one making arrangements for these robbers I don't think you'll have much to worry about."

"Kurt set this up?" She smiled at Quinn's nod of confirmation. It was good to know that he's fully warmed up to their relationship. She'll need to thank him later. Maybe with a duet. It's been a while since they've sung together outside of their apartment.

"I really wanted to be at your first show," Quinn explained softly. "But due to rules that, frankly, need to be eradicated, this is as close as I could get."

"They only apply to this year."

"They're preposterous."

Rachel rolled her eyes drowsily. While she agreed wholeheartedly, they've already had this discussion too many times. "It smells good in here," she changed the subject.

"Yeah, well, that's what happens you don't burn your dinner."

"You cooked me dinner?" she asked, awed. Quinn just made it all so hard when she wasn't being the most frustrating person on planet earth. She could be this perfect, amazing, _thoughtful_ girlfriend when Rachel didn't even expect it. _So why does she need to be so stubborn the rest of the time?_

"Us. I will be getting a free meal for my effort at the very least."

"I'm not too sure about that. I'm famished." She laughed, beating Quinn to the kitchen. "We weren't even allowed to eat before we went on stage. Our professor has a severe vomit phobia. Apparently, it happens far too often with first time performers. Even at NYADA." She pulled off the lids of the pots on top of the stove, intent on serving them. "No one did, by the way. Obviously, it's just one of our school's many exaggerations."

Quinn moved forward to help finish setting the table. "So on a scale from nine to ten how was your performance?" she teased, but Rachel simply smiled. Teasing or not, it was her _perfect_ performance scale.

Rachel served them both their portions and tried desperately to ignore how domestic they were being. While normally it would be something to get (appropriately) excited over, dwelling on it tonight would most likely set off her miniscule fuse. Because as happy as she was to see Quinn so unexpectedly after _weeks_ , and as much as she fell just a tiny bit more over a dinner that was cooked specifically for her, Rachel was rather infuriated that it was happening so frivolously.

As if this was something that should just naturally be occurring. And it was, of course, but not with where they were. They should only be so comfortable being so damn domesticated after knowing exactly where the other stood. _By using words._ But Quinn apparently didn't even think something was wrong or lacking here.

Nevertheless, Rachel really didn't want to get into this tonight so they enjoyed their meal by talking through some of tonight's backstage shenanigans. It was meaningless as they hadn't even involved Rachel, only two of her more immature costars. Nothing they spoke about was all that important, and for once that was Rachel's intention. Though, that didn't make it better.

After dinner, she offered to watch a movie for a while before tucking in for the night. She wasn't all that tired as she was still buzzing. Rachel was sure she'd crash tomorrow when she least expected it. They found _One Fine Day_ on her television guide and decided it was easy enough to relax to. They had both seen it before, and Rachel had a nostalgic soft spot for the '90s romcoms her fathers had raised her on.

Unfortunately, she was scarcely able to enjoy it, and her drop in mood must have shown because after sometime Quinn began watching her closely.

"You're being awfully quiet for you."

"I suppose I'm a bit tired. It's been a busy day." She smiled, but it as far tighter than Rachel would have liked at the moment. "In fact, I think I'm going to go to bed."

"Okay." Quinn reached for remote to turn off the television but was stopped from doing so. She looked back to Rachel, question on her tongue.

"No, stay. You're enjoying the movie."

"I'll finish it some other time. I haven't exactly had an uneventful day myself."

Her voice was light, airy even, and Rachel suddenly hated it. All this did was serve as a reminder that Quinn hadn't bothered sharing her apparently oh-so eventful day with Rachel.

"Quinn, it's fine. You're not sleepy, I can tell. I'll see you in the morning." She leaned over to give the girl a small kiss goodnight, but Quinn stopped her from going anywhere with a gentle grab at her wrist.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Why would you think something's wrong? It's been a wonderful day. I'm sorry that it's exhausted me."

"Well, for starters you're trying to banish me to the couch."

"I think my dramatics have officially worn off on you." She received a damnable eyebrow challenge to that. It was _not_ why she caved. But Rachel _really_ did not want to start an argument tonight of all nights. Not on the night of her first real show. "If you want to come to bed, then please, by all means. I only thought you'd want to finish the movie you've invested over an hour of your life in."

Quinn clicked off the set. "Then let's go to bed." She would be getting to the bottom of this.

"Fine."

There was a palpable tension as they washed up and changed for the night. It didn't fade when they got into bed and was, frankly, just the wrong type to be having in bed with your girlfriend. Quinn hadn't a clue where it came from. Rachel had given no hint and was staying silent, but she wasn't sleeping either. Instead, she tossed and turned in the guise of getting comfortable, and Quinn could no longer stand it. She thought Rachel would have snapped and blurted out whatever it was that was bothering her by now.

Quinn sat up and reached over to flick on Rachel's bedside lamp. "I can practically hear you thinking. Please tell me what's wrong." Rachel remained silent next to her and only played with the hem of her quilt. "If it's something I did or–I don't know–said, then talk to me about it. Or maybe it's something that happened during the musical. Did your performance not go how you wanted it to?"

"The performance went fine."

_'Fine'_ wasn't in Rachel's performance vocabulary, NYADA trained modesty or not. It wasn't a good sign nor was the obvious conclusion a pleasant prospect to have to deal with. "Right. I guess that means it's me."

Rachel unclenched the quilt and turned to her with a glare sharp enough to peel wallpaper. Sue Sylvester would be proud. "Have you even noticed that I've been upset lately?"

Quinn was taken aback. She wasn't even sure how their seemingly nice night together got here. "What have you been upset about?"

"That's not important. The point is that you haven't noticed."

"I haven't seen you in over a month. It's a little hard to pick up on your moods through texts and emails and infrequent phone calls."

"They're only infrequent because you wouldn't agree to a proper schedule."

"Rachel, your formula included trying to balance our minute plans with class allotted time. It didn't even make sense."

_It made perfect sense._ "Are you going to become a math major now?"

Quinn had no idea where any of this was coming from. And it was evidently about a lot of things. She felt off balance. "Okay, let's backtrack-"

"No. I would like to know if you plan on changing your future yet again on a whim." The _'without consulting me'_ was left off, but hopefully, it was still implied as intended. Rachel didn't want to appear _too_ overbearing, after all.

"It wasn't a whim. It was a year and a half process." Quinn sighed. They didn't need to rehash that. She tried to refocus. "You wanted to know if I noticed that you were upset. I did. That time you called me in the middle of the night to talk about tea. I just assumed it was stress due to the production. You _said_ you were fine the next day. How was I supposed to read your mind without you telling me otherwise?"

"Well I seem to be doing a fine job of it with you. All I do is try and figure out what's going on in yours without the slightest hint or indication."

"You could ask."

_Well that's rage inducing._ "I could _ask?_ " She threw the sheets off of both of them and climbed out of bed. Rachel needed immediate space. And lots of it. Why didn't her apartment have better windows? "The problem here isn't me not asking. The problem is that you don't want me to know."

"That's not true," Quinn disputed quietly.

"I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to believe."

Quinn dragged herself out of the bed as well, though she was more timid in doing so. "Rachel, what would you like to know?" she asked calmly. To the other girl it was patronizing.

"No. The idea isn't to–to force you into doing this. It's something that should already happen on its own."

"Then what do you want from me?"

_Everything_. Rachel wanted everything from her. "I want to be sure," she finally whispered. "Quinn, I feel like we're happy together most of the time; that you want to be with me. But I have no idea how committed you are to this. You–you don't trust me, and I'm starting to think that you never will. I know that I hurt you, but I've done _everything_ that I possibly could to ensure that I wouldn't do so again. Our relationship now is nothing like it was before. It's real. At least from my side."

"But you don't think it's real for me?" She nodded to herself, jaw clenched. "That's–I really wish you didn't instill me with your neurotic fears of night train kidnappings or I'd be on one right now." Quinn paced over to the dividing curtain with absolutely nowhere to go and no door to slam. She spun back around instead.

"They are not neurotic. They're sensibly cautious. And I'm not sure what else to think. Everything that's happened between us since this _started_ has been by my doing. I kissed you. I pursued you. I researched how to best achieve orgasms with a female partner." Even with her brewing anger, Quinn still blushed and looked away at that one. "I came to you. _I_ invited you out after summer. _I_ made the move on Christmas and got us here. You've been nothing but passive throughout this entire relationship. Really, what have you done?"

"Actually, I believe I was the one to end this since you obviously weren't going to. So at least I know how to do that." It was perhaps the emptiest threat ever, and they both knew it.

Rachel laughed silently. It was hollow. To anyone else it would have sounded spiteful. "You didn't end anything. You just let it happen. You didn't want to be my friend, Quinn. You wanted to be more than that and yet you did nothing. You didn't fight for me or for us or-

"Are you fucking kidding me? You were _married_ , Rachel. And about to divorce. What about that gives you any indication that it would have been a good idea to start a relationship?"

"How about because we were already in one?" she shot back. "I'm not saying it had to be an immediate transition. I just would have liked it if you had seemed attached in any possible way. I thought you were, but Quinn, you ran away to LA the first chance you got. You didn't even stay after the graduation. You just left right after Finn to go pack and then avoided everyone for two days until you were flying out with Brittany and Santana. Did you even ask how I was?"

No, she hadn't because knowing would have been shattering, and Quinn wouldn't have gone anywhere. That was the last thing either of them had needed at the time. "And what would have happened if I did stay? We either would have wound back up in bed again because that's what was easy for you or we wouldn't have said anything."

"That's not true." It may not have been physically difficult, but it was never easy being with Quinn Fabray.

"Sure it is." She did not appreciate her own words being thrown back at her, even if it was unintentional. Sometimes they just were that in sync. "You'd just like to be able to say otherwise."

Rachel ducked her head, releasing a tired, shuddery breath. "It just would have been nice to know that you cared. Or how you felt at all for that matter." _It still would be nice._

Quinn felt that she had been as obvious as she was going to get without actually saying the words. She had been pathetic about it, really. Rachel was just oblivious to things when it suited her. _But she_ ' _s also insecure._ Quinn knew that too.

"I cared. And I really did have your best interest at heart. When I told you to let Finn go and spend the summer apart it wasn't because I was jealous or trying to be a bitch. It was because it was the right thing to do. And when I told you I only wanted to be your friend again it was because _that_ was the right thing to do. I meant it when I said you belonged here. And I meant it when I told you that you were going to get everything you want. This–I cared about you, Rachel, so much."

"Yeah, well you were wrong about that. I haven't gotten everything I wanted. And apparently I never will. I can't have you!"

Quinn scoffed. "Please. I went years without having sex after the first time. It's not that difficult to maintain a little self-control."

"God, I'm not talking about that!" For as often as she shied away from taking that next step, Quinn certainly liked to make their issues about their sex life more than anything else. It was as grating as it was ambiguous. "Why didn't you tell me how you were doing over summer? Instead of telling me about Puck or Santana, why didn't you tell me about you? How come you don't talk about your relationships at Yale anymore or confide in me that you were thinking about switching majors? Why did you wait until you already did? Why do we only ever discuss what's going on in my life? You don't let me in anymore. If you ever did."

That was close to setting her off. "I've let you in more than anyone else."

"Well, it's not enough, Quinn. Why haven't you ever told me you loved me!"

"Because I never once thought you'd say it back!"

Rachel flushed in the silence that left, her breaths coming short. It didn't even register that Quinn just admitted her feelings. She was furious. No, _incredulous_. How dare she?

"You never thought _I'd_ say it back? _Me?_ The girl who leaves notes on the mirror when you take your absurdly hot showers just because I know they make you smile. The one who calls you _twice_ just to make sure you've gotten into your dorm alright. The one who's been there for all of your worst moments. Has been the _recipient_ of your worst moments but still thinks you're this amazing, intelligent, _resilient_ woman. I love you. I'm in love with you. But you are just _so_ frustrating, Quinn Fabray."

Quinn ignored the insult and the fact that Rachel could be equally frustrating. Tossing that back at her, while accurate, would do nothing. It meant nothing. Rachel loved her. She had finally said it, and under different circumstances, Quinn suspected she would have (totally against her will) started crying. But now she was just kind of pissed too. At the both of them. They could have done this months ago.

It took three strides to reach Rachel, and she yelped in surprise at the force of Quinn's kiss. It took her no time to respond and thread her fingers through blonde waves. Okay, so maybe it wasn't the wrong kind of tension after all.

Quinn bit down once before pulling away. She lifted her hand to straighten out Rachel's bangs. "I loved you when I left for LA."

Rachel didn't get a chance to respond as Quinn was quickly kissing her again. She felt the familiar tug at the bottom of her shirt.

"I loved you in that hotel room."

They forwent the buttons and pulled the top right over her head. It was on the longer side so she hadn't been wearing anything else, leaving her exposed. Quinn's eyes raked over every inch of her, and Rachel watched as they darkened. She watched as Quinn flushed. It was like being given a glimpse at the best possible reflection of herself, and when Quinn's eyes finally settled on hers she felt _everything_.

"I loved you on New Year's."

Rachel swallowed. She wished the doubt never crept in. Because she had known then; had seen it that night. It hurt before, and the thought was piercing now.

She surged forward to claim Quinn's lips once more, pulling at her t-shirt. The drawstring on her pants. Anything Quinn was wearing. They hit the bed without pause, and for a moment Rachel simply held her.

Quinn turned into her shoulder. "I loved you when I bought train tickets before you even got into NYADA. When I gave you that _stupid_ crown. And when I chose to come to your wedding even if I didn't quite make it." Rachel's grip tightened at the reminder. "I loved you when I got into Yale, and I thought about you way too much before all that."

Rachel slackened and drew back. "So tell me."

"I love you."

She returned Quinn's easy smile, titling her head up a fraction. "Again."

"I love you."

*

Quinn woke up the next morning with someone delicately playing with her fingers.

"That tickles."

"Liar." Rachel smiled to herself before turning over in her girlfriend's arms. "We have a lot to discuss." Rachel had been up a _while_. Her mind had been churning the entire time. She finally had nothing to shy away from. There was nothing to worry about here. They could finally talk openly. Or so she had hoped.

Quinn pushed forward until Rachel was beneath her. They had talked enough last night. "I think I have a better idea than talking."

Rachel let the kiss go on until her small hands were pushing back on shoulders. "Kurt came home a little while ago. With yet another boy," she grumbled.

Quinn kissed away her pout. "We should get dressed."

Rachel stopped her before she was able to get out of bed. Quinn frowned but allowed herself to be pulled back down.

"When did you know?"

Quinn relaxed as Rachel cuddled into her side and went back to tracing over her hand. Clearly, they weren't getting up anytime soon. "Know what?"

"That you loved me." She blushed and smiled again. Quinn couldn't help but smile back, though hers was a touch more wry than Rachel's was.

"When did I know or when did I admit it to myself?"

She tucked herself further into Quinn and dropped her voice. "Both."

"Well, I didn't really admit it until we broke up. It was easier that way." Rachel didn't think that sounded easy at all. "I knew I had feelings for you before the accident."

She had said as much last night, but hearing it again was like having a weight drop on her. It altered the perception of past events too much. Rachel evened out her breathing again, trying in vain to ignore the prickling behind her eyes. "Why didn't you ever tell me? Back then, I mean."

Quinn shrugged against her. "You were engaged and happy. It wouldn't have meant anything."

"You're wrong about that."

"Please don't start romanticizing our history," she sighed, forever wary of Rachel's tendencies.

"I'm not," she argued for a moment. Santana would probably say otherwise. "It's true. I might not have been immediately receptive had you told me back then, but it still would have mattered to me. I've always felt something for you, Quinn, and maybe it hasn't always been romantic in nature but that doesn't mean it wasn't there. It's part of why I first kissed you. I wanted to."

"What was the other part?"

"I knew you felt the same." _Well, on second thought._ "Or at least that you felt something for me," she amended.

"Safe bet."

"Hardly." Rachel kissed her again in assurance before pulling back with a playful beam. "Why do you love me?"

Quinn laughed. "I want that to be my question."

"But I already asked it."

"Have you always been this needy?" she joked, receiving small swat. Quinn didn't really know where to begin. "I don't know how it happened. I mean, you're wonderful but…It was more than that. I try not to think about it, but sometimes I wonder where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I'm not going to sell myself short because I know how hard I worked to get to Yale, everything I went through. And I know now that I'm capable of succeeding there." Rachel nuzzled against Quinn's hand. She always had been capable. "But you believed that even when I didn't. I don't even know why you did. I never gave you a reason to."

Ignoring Quinn's sarcastic chuckle at that, she pulled her closer. Maybe Quinn didn't ever give her a reason, but Rachel had always know there was more to Quinn Fabray than tight ponytails, prom crowns, and guarded insults. Quinn wasn't her reputation nor was she her mistakes, and it was so important to Rachel that she knows that. It just took her a little longer than necessary to figure out why.

"Rachel, you make me dream. You make me want to live up to my potential and be a better version of myself." Quinn began to panic when Rachel started crying. None of that was supposed to upset her. "Hey." She reached down to carefully brush away the gathering tears with her thumb.

"That's a far more serious answer than I was anticipating. I thought you were just going to say it was because of my outstanding talent or penchant for winning or my unwavering ambition. Perhaps even my touches of reasonable insanity."

"Not your modesty?"

"I love you. Quinn, I love you so much. And I'm so proud of you." She wiped at her eyes. "Now I have to clean my face again because of you. I'll be right back."

Quinn shook her head adoringly as Rachel threw some clothes on and ran off to the bathroom. She stretched briefly before finding something for herself to change into and braced herself for yet another morning with one of Kurt's boy toys. She silently prayed on the way to the kitchen that it would be someone who offered the least amount of drama. Rachel's continued obsession with her best friend's love life was not going to ruin their day. Of course, who she found probably provided the _most_ possible drama.

"Blaine?"

"Hey, Quinn. Long time, no see," he greeted with somewhat awkward of a hug.

"Well, this is a surprise."

"I could say the same thing about you." He nodded toward Rachel's room, and Quinn flushed, wishing she had put on more than one of her girlfriend's robes. "Kurt and I are kind of working on it," he explained and wasn't fully able to achieve in keeping his expression neutral.

"Rachel will be thrilled," she told him, and Blaine's smile finally broke out completely.

"Blaine, have you seen my-" Kurt stopped himself once he saw that they were not alone. "Ah. Quinn, good morning. I hope we didn't wake you."

Blaine held out their box of croissants. "Help yourself as compensation. We ordered enough."

She probably should have told them that they didn't wake her, but she was hardly going to pass up take-out in this apartment. Besides, breakfast would need to be a quick one. It was only a matter of time before-

"Oh my god!"

-that happened.

"Blaine!" Rachel leaped at her friend. Their hug was not awkward at all. "Kurt, Blaine's here."

Kurt snorted. "I'm aware. Now not to stroke your ego, but seeing your performance last night did spew forth certain conversations."

"Not just conversations." Blaine smirked while Kurt turned to busy himself with making them all coffee. "You were incredible." He squeezed Rachel's hand.

"You've already said that."

"Fine." Blaine looked over to Quinn. "She was incredible. And hot, if I do say so myself." Rachel shook her head demurely.

"I don't doubt it. Even though I do now think NYADA's a stupid school with stupid rules." Quinn picked at her croissant.

Rachel moved over to put a stop to Quinn's crumbling. "You'll be at the next one."

"Promise."

They shared a knowing smile. It was a promise neither had any intention of breaking.


End file.
